Dear Diary,

My stomach feels really unhappy. It is probably from all this crap food I've been eating. Honestly, I don't think I've eaten salad or vegetables in 2 or 3 weeks...?

Ugh. It is bad, I know. I don't eat white sugar but I crave all the "health food" snacks and cereals and that is not good either. It is not healthy eating, and it's eating disorder behavior, most likely- trying to cover up feelings with food.

I worked so much today, and cried so much too. Had a meeting this morning that went pretty well. Then went to get a wax. I haven't been since the end of March, shame on me! I know this because the wax lady, of course, is kept abreast of my continuing saga with M and she always asks for an update and then I realize how long it's been since I talked to her... Last time I was there, I told her I was meeting him... (then I ended up canceling). At any rate, I need to go get waxed more often, (A) because it's summer and (B) because if I wait too long it hurts more!

Anyway she asked about M and I told her I canceled and she said well that was probably for the best. And I don't know what it is about the wax lady, but I tell her everything, you know it probably has something to do with the fact that I'm getting a Brazilian and I'm completely naked from the waist down with my legs splayed open, and somebody ripping the hair off my private parts... that I can't hold anything back. Anyway I'm lying there like that and just feeling the depth of my broken heart and crying, and you know what? The waxing hardly hurts at all, I'm barely feeling it, because it's all the grief that I'm feeling. Interesting experience. So waxing away and me with tears flowing into my ears and we talked about how it just takes time. I mean, for one thing, I know that I thought no one could ever replace Frank and truthfully if Frank showed up on my doorstep tonight I would say are you fucking kidding me? So everyone can get over everything... but also I know I am grieving about a lot more than M, I am grieving about loss in my life and my body and it was just triggered by this latest experience of abandonment. But I don't think the wax lady would get that part, so I just pretend it's all about M.

Afterward, I was in the neighborhood of Kate's office and I remembered she had told me to stop by and pick up a CD she wanted me to try to help me with insomnia. So I stopped in at the office, and she invited me into her office for a chat. She seemed genuinely concerned about me so of course I burst into tears... I guess if it's a genuine space of caring, I'm ready to go! So we talked for a bit and I cried a lot. We both agree that I am going through something really big, bigger than the M thing, kind of existential and shit. And we both know I am a strong person and I'm going to be okay.

I think the crying is good because for a long time I have wanted to weep but couldn't seem to let it happen. I think these are the tears I've been waiting for.

After Kate's I went to therapy- a perfect transition. Therapist is trying to get me into my aggression- identifying as a person who DESERVES love and says, "I want love!" rather than, "Why don't you love me?" which puts the onus on another person. We did an exercise where she made a line on the floor and when I was on one side of the line I was the part of me that desperately wants love and wants to be seen as a person. When I was on the other side of the line, I was the part of me who didn't want me to have love and actually tried to sabotage me- the part of me that hates myself. It was intense because when I was on the sabateour side of the line, I had a LOT more energy than the other side.... I felt rage and hate at myself and I realized this is the part of me that self-destructive... the whole session ended in massive sobs because I realized how MUCH I really hate myself at times... and therapist said our job now is to make the loving self stronger than the hating self.

Afterward I went to work, if you can believe it. It's been a long-ass day. Jeez! But I feel good about all the crying. It's healing. And life has to get better...

Right?

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