Dear Diary,

Writing from Stacey's now. A long day of traveling. I tried to clean up the house a bit before I left, because my worst fear is that someone has to go into my apartment for some reason when I'm not home (like the landlord or the super) and it looks like a big mess...

I don't know why, I just haven't been able to clean the main rooms. I guess I just haven't known where to start. So I broke down some boxes (have ordered some books, the herbal cleanse, and a new headset for my phone- had quite a few boxes) organized some piles and I don't know what else to do... probably have to go through things piece by piece eventually... I guess I really should ask a friend, probably Steffy, to come over and help me, even if it's just keeping me company.

Getting to the airport was a drag. Every possible delay happened to me today... it was quite frustrating. I felt overcrowded on the plane, and for some reason all the accessories for my seat weren't working... then we are in the air and I'm trying to eat a salad (I vowed I would try to eat healthier food when traveling) and we had so much turbulence I could barely get the fork to go into my mouth. I was so irritated but then I just had to laugh at myself, how it was all turning out.

After eating a whole box of "health food" cookies last night, I realized that my eating is not going in a good direction. My stomach has been upset for several days and the plane doesn't help. Because usually I bring snack bars and whatever, but those tend to increase the feelings of dehydration and are still empty calories. And it's just no good! So I have to change it.

And I was reading a book about child development and how it affects people in later life. Well I read one chapter on how people develop a certain character and it was totally what happened to M- he tried so hard to be whatever it was that his parents (especially his mom) wanted him to be, until he didn't even know himself anymore... he abandoned himself, and lost his own sense of himself... to the point where he's more concerned about doing things perfectly and the way they "should" be as opposed to doing what he wants... because he know longer feels anything or knows what he wants, because he turned off his emotions.

It was him to a tee... and made me feel a lot of compassion for him. It really is pretty horrible, the things that can happen to us quite by accident... even when our parents have the best of intentions. I might read that chapter again whenever I am feeling particularly bad because it helped me to remember that this situation was NOT about me... and actually the more you love someone like this, the worse they feel about themselves, that's what it said in the book... because deep inside they fear that you will discover how horrible they are... they hate themselves and will not let you love them.

When I read this I wanted to text or call him- connect somehow- but then I know enough about myself to know that I easily abandon MYself... and could I handle it if he were distant or armored up and unfeeling or sounding like he was having a good time and not missing me at all... I'm not sure. So I hold back on contacting him at all because I need to know I am going to be okay if I do. I feel like the best time to talk to him would be when I really don't care one way or the other... when the charge around him is gone and I'm really sure I don't want him anymore, maybe even if I've found somebody else... let all these feelings run their course and just get really clear. Otherwise it could get very messy.

Do you remember that weekend when we were supposed to meet, back in March? Well I had a colleague that had also experienced a break up at the same time I did... and he also was supposed to meet his ex that weekend. I canceled my meeting but he did not. He met with his ex and they ended up having a lovely dinner, then going back to his place and having sex. He left me a message the next day saying they had gotten back together. Then a few hours later, she called him and told him she couldn't do it. What a mindfuck! I mean this guy was just spinning out, so confused and heartbroken. Can you imagine?

So I was kind of thinking, I wonder if that's what would have happened with me and M... it's very possible... well I don't want to put myself in that situation of making a slip, believing something can happen for us and then he's still as confused and as unhappy as before... I can't put myself through it so that's why I just stay away. And at this point I just imagine the time when I will be feeling better and that someday I will catch my reflection in a window and I will be smiling.

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