difficult men, difficult me [ 2008-06-19, 11:31 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well after the training I took off with Carla to stay with her at her summer house.

It was okay for the most part- beautiful, and relaxing, because I didn't have to work. Still having a lot of sadness though... it took Carla and I a couple of days to work out our own system. At first Carla kept asking me if I was happy and if I liked this or that. It made me feel kind of pressured. Finally I just told her that I was going through a grief cycle and she shouldn't worry about my happiness. She kind of crowds me, trying to elicit responses, but then she doesn't listen to the answers anyway. She's all over the place.

And I finally stopped trying to help her in the kitchen, because it became obvious that she is a control freak and every time I tried to do something, she got all nervous about me putting too many olives on the plate or not cutting the lettuce right. A little crazy, but, whatever. If somebody wants to do all the cooking, knock yourself out... I'll do all the eating.

Also Carla is into this new diet, where all she basically eats is vegetables... no cheese or bread and very little meat. I think I lost a pound or two in the past couple of days. I know if I ate like this all the time, I could easily lose another five pounds.

I spent a lot of time by myself... which was good. Walking, taking bubble baths, and naps. And some crying. Just really feeling the grief. I'm so sick of thinking about M, especially since my sadness is much deeper than him, but it's the only thing my mind can grab onto. I am tired of grieving, tired of the pain... there's times I feel the shock over and over again... the shock of rejection and it's so huge for me. Then other times I just know that I am the best thing that ever happened to that guy, that he was never happy the whole time I knew him even though he was given everything he wished for... and that the more he gets what he wants, the more he hates himself... so unless he does some major work on himself, he's fucked for life... but he resists.... and I think about my life of unfulfilling relationships with basically unhappy neurotic men... and that I want more. Like there was so much I wanted to do, in my relationships with Frank, and M... I had lots of plans of fun trips... sexual play... some kind of future... but the relationships seem to end before we can do any of those fun things I've been looking forward to it. One day the guy doesn't want to have sex or whatever... because he can't be loved... what's that ABOUT?

It makes me think that why does it have to be so hard, why can't I just have somebody who also WANTS to be in relationship and WANTS to make it work... whose willing to try and also to look at himself when things come up... and who is willing to make love. Why should it be so difficult?

But as I mentioned before, I've never had a love relationship that hasn't been difficult. So I guess I am accustomed to it... it's familiar to me.... even loving my father was difficult. He's a difficult man, so I guess that's where it all started.

But I am never going to have the relationship that I want with these difficult men... I DON'T want a relationship where I have to walk on eggshells and twist myself inside out trying to make someone love me who is so incapable of being with anyone anyway... and the easier I try to make it for them, the more difficult it becomes for me.

I called my therapist yesterday, in the middle of the day... I was just feeling so down, so much pain... she said that she once had a situation in her life where her heart was broken in relationship and it brought up the rejection of a parent, and she went through it for 2 years... Jesus when I heard that, I just couldn't believe it... I CANNOT go through this for 2 years!! Pining away for somebody for that long... I said I couldn't live like that. She said she doesn't think that it will take that long for me to move through this grief. But that if I was having trouble with the pain, I should go to a psychopharmacologist and get on medication. Well that's not happening. I did the medication thing years ago and it didn't really help... just numbed me out and everything was still there waiting for me when I was done... it's just not in my belief system anymore. Ugh. I am so opposed to the whole drug route.

So I don't know. I'm going to talk to angel tomorrow. And see Kate on Tuesday. Maybe try more hypnotherapy. What else is there to do? I just think of what LilyB would tell me all the time, to just keep focusing and working on myself, and eventually things will change... my energy will eventually change and loving him will not feel like a life or death situation because I will have gotten to the core of the problem within myself.

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