#2

I forgot to mention that the lump has severely diminished. At first I thought that it disappeared entirely, but I just felt again and it is there, way smaller but it's still there.... so I don't know what that means, really. I guess if it was something serious then it would stay the same size?

Also I got an email from Emily. She still wants to take a vacation this summer with all the girls, but she keeps changing her mind on where she wants to go. Since she moved now I think she is trying to fit it in with her work travel schedule, which would be fine I guess but she wants to go to the same place we went last year. Truthfully I didn't like our vacation last year, for a couple of reasons: I didn't like the location; I didn't like the sleeping arrangements; I didn't like Emily's controlling attitudes which came out of nowhere- I was surprised I never noticed them before. Maybe I have just been asleep my whole life, but I've just started to notice about the picking the restaurant thing, the food, and now the vacation... she basically always gets her own way due to the fact that she makes more money, and I just go along with it... I even tried to pay her back for last year but still haven't been able to make enough money to do that... and I just don't want to go back to the same place this year.

But how to tell her without hurting her feelings? I mean first of all we were talking about going abroad for vacation and now it is back to domestic and the same... I would rather not. I think my needs in friendship are changing and maybe now I am just not feeling drawn to her. It is tough because I feel like I am at the social, financial "disadvantage" and that I'm always "owing" her... and how I pay that debt is to let her have her way.

Also even though Emily does not like her new position or the city she is living in, it sounds like she is choosing to stay there to be closer to her greasy boyfriend. I know it is terrible to say but I really feel that she has made a bad choice there and she has just sold herself out for something that is not going to work... he's too old for her, lives in a place that she would never want to live and doesn't want to change a thing in his life... yet he doesn't bat an eye at the thought of her getting pregnant...the two of them are not thinking properly and I think she's making some bad decisions.

Normally my friends making bad decisions does not affect me so deeply but I notice I'm feeling a lot of anger at Emily so something deeper is going on for me. I can see that I don't want to feel like I am inferior in any more relationships, so that makes sense. But I allowed myself to be put in that position with her by continuing to accept gifts that I could never pay back- gifts with strings. But I'm not sure what it is about her relationship that drives me crazy.

Speaking of bad decisions, it may be that Steffy is about to make a good one. She told me that after more than a year and a half of dating, it is time to confront Matt and ask him what he wants from their relationship. This is huge for Steffy because for more months than I care to count, she has been dancing around trying to get Matt more interested in relationship. Meanwhile the guy hardly ever calls her, forgot her birthday two years in a row, is generally lame and puts very little to no effort into relating with her. I think she has been deluding herself for too long now. Granted, I got mixed messages from M, but the messages Steffy gets from Matt are pretty consistent- he doesn't give a shit. So now I guess she was going to sit down with him and put her cards on the table. I think she will be disappointed, but in my heart I believe it will be very good for her to move on with her life and find someone who really cares about her.

It's interesting because all my guy friends who meet Steffy and Emily go absolutely nuts over them because they are both so pretty... but they, and myself, always seem to settle on the men who can't be with us or don't really give us what we want. Interesting, no?

So that is that. Last night I talked to my sister Delia. She's looking forward to my visit and suggested a bunch of things for us to do. She was asking about my life because she said she really doesn't know what's going on with me since we hardly ever talk (interesting- I never sent her that letter but maybe she "got" the information anyway??!!). I told her I have been in a grief cycle and not doing much besides working.... and... get this, she actually said, "Is there anything that I can do?"

Wow. I don't know what pod person invaded my sister's body, but I like her. At any rate I just have the intention of moving forward and doing all the things I have on my calendar.... work, trips, school... and just trusting that I will feel better in time. Continuing to use the pain that I feel as an opportunity to see the places in my heart that have stopped trusting and believing in love. And just offer those up and do my best to trust in the Universe again. And at some point, sometime, I will be at peace. Who knows when.

As long as we are on the subject of everybody else, I should mention that Irinia is getting married. I had yet another conversation with her which was awkward... apparently she didn't get any of the emails I sent her and she thought I was ignoring her. I find it a little difficult to believe that THREE of my emails went missing, but, whatever. Irinia is another all-over-the-place person and I don't know what she's doing. I'm invited to the wedding and all that, so, all is smoothed over. But there's something about her that irks me too. I always feel like she wants something from me but she's not asking for it directly. It makes me crazy and I can't put my finger on it.

Right now I have so many thoughts about "problems" and situations in my brain that I feel overwhelmed, so what I probably need most of all is a good sleep, and to just forget about trying to fix anything today!!

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