Dear Diary,

Ok, I am lame, and a terrible friend. Irinia is having a engagement party today, which I said I would go to... but obviously I just did not. Instead I texted and said that I was very sick.

Liar, liar, pants on fire. But I just cannot do it. I even pulled cards to figure out what would be the best thing for me to do, and the cards pointed to despair... if I did go.

And there's other reasons as well. Last year at about this time (same weekend in June), M and I went to a party in the SAME location that Irinia and her fiance are having their party at today. It was the day after I got a little angry at him for gawking at another woman- not just looking, but gawking- and I told him it was okay to look but it really made me uncomfortable when he stared to the point of distraction. At that point I had to admit to my vulnerability and insecurity about the way I look and it was a big deal. He thanked me for telling him the truth. His ex never told him how she felt, she just held it all in and the next thing you know she left him... so he was happy that I would communicate with him.

We had a good night making love and the next morning too, and arrived late the next day for the event. All day he was so incredibly affectionate and sweet to me, even though there were lots of beautiful women around, I felt like he was making an extra effort to show me how much he cared about me and told me often how pretty I was. When we got home, we made love again and I had hands-down one of the biggest, most amazing orgasms I've ever had... yes it was amazing enough that I remember it to this day! I practically passed out and M stayed and held me while I dozed. He left very late and took a midnight bus back home. All for me.

So how could I go back to that place? I know I would just miss him, and I wouldn't find any joy in that place. I know that watching Irinia and Abel celebrate their MARRIAGE would just make me more depressed. I mean, I will go to the wedding next month, but I just couldn't go today. I know there is something to being a good friend, but there is also something about loving myself and choosing not to TORTURE myself either.

The truth is I am just not over it. It is taking lots of time and I'm not interested in explaining it to anyone else. As a matter of fact, I don't think Irinia even knows that M and I broke up. I haven't seen her much at all and the last time I did, we didn't mention him.

Am I a shitty friend? Probably. I don't feel like going. I don't feel like being there. I don't feel like pretending I'm having a good time when obviously I'm not. I don't feel like having a "blast from the past" experience. I am just not there yet.

Every day I pray and ask for help to heal my heart and get beyond these feelings.

Red suggested that I need to find a purpose in my life and then I will be happy. He often tells me things like this and basically I feel that he is just projecting his own needs onto me. I could give a shit about 'purpose'- I want love. I feel that my purpose IS to have love in my life... that's what I am made of. I am happy with my work and I am tired of this line of thinking that says that giving everything to everyone else should make us happy and if that doesn't work, something's wrong with us... well I'm not happy. What about me? Where is my love? Where is the return on all my love that I have poured into people, work, and things? I want something for myself. I want love.

Well I don't know. I think my biggest problem is that I blame and judge myself. These are the ways I do that:

1. I think that I ruin everything, and that if I had just been a better girlfriend somehow, I could have made things better. M would have been able to love me.

2. I put myself last so often that when I try to put myself first, I feel guilty.

3. I am terrified of making the wrong choices. And sometimes when I decide to do things out of the openness of my heart, I regret them later because I feel like I have made a fool of myself with my vulnerability.

Just to name a few.

I know I have a ways to go. I don't know how to get there. I remember when I first met Grace, and even though I was involved with Alphie at the time, and had kind of been blindsided by meeting Grace... I saw how much Alphie liked her and I was happy for him... I thought it was cute that he was in love. Really. And we had some really good times. I experienced love in a completely different way. It really did expand my heart and my concept of love.

I would really like to be able to love M just as he is... kind of like I was able to see Alphie that day. That no matter what is going on with us, whether we are together or not, I could just feel at peace and love the times we did have. All the times he really showed up for me with his heart, like I wrote above.

What gets in the way is my attachment. Attachment gets in the way of love. Attachment that says, "I will only love you if you are this way. If you do this for me. I will only love you if you are with me. If you do what I want."- that's not really love. I have left so many men behind. I have let my bitterness get the better of me, because I really don't talk to any of my exes. So how much did I really love them?

With M I feel great bursts of love, and I know that when anger comes up it has more to do with me than with him... I guess if anything I have already chosen my purpose, my mission in this life. I want love, I want to be a loving individual. I want peace in my heart, which equates to self-love. If I can love myself so much that I don't take anyone's actions, words or deeds personally, that is truly a feat. That is where I want to be. I want peace. I don't want to feel abandoned anymore, I don't want to be shaken by small rejections. I want to be at peace.

I don't know if it's enough to just want to love someone like I desire to love M at this moment. To love him with as much freedom as I can. I guess it's a matter of giving myself the freedom first. Freedom from judgment. Permission to just be who I am.

[previous] [next]