#2

Dear Diary,

Just had a hypnotherapy session by phone with Keith. It was interesting, to say the least. For one thing, I realized I had a hidden belief that if I felt all M's feelings for him, and took on his grief, I was helping him and insuring my own safety (a habit I developed as a child with my parents). So we reconciled that. I had to think for a while if that was the best thing to do. If you really love a person, does it help him if you feel everything for him? Or is it taking away something he really should do himself? I finally decided that it would be better for him to do it himself. One, if it were me, I wouldn't want someone feeling all my emotions without my permission. Also, it's kind of like cutting off his balls- am I going to let him be a man and handle his own life or what?

And also I did go back to the time when I felt "lost" as a little kid, looking out the back door. It was just about feeling so disconnected from my mother and longing to connect with my dad... and feeling completely alone and disconnected. It's a long story, and I'm tired, but suffice it to say that we reconciled that as well. We drew some similarities between M and my dad... that I think my dad felt frustrated because he knew I was reaching out (as a little kid) but couldn't deal with his own feelings so he couldn't connect with me... much like M.

Afterward I felt a huge relief, like a weight was taken off my chest. I don't know how long the feeling will last, but I feel this was an important session because not only did I realize this about M and finally feel like I disconnected from him in this way, but also I made a connection to this particular memory that had come up numerous times when I was crying in therapy. I'd say that's a pretty good day! You don't know how relieved I feel. Almost like when puzzle pieces start to fit together and I am reassured that I'm not completely crazy.

(You might think that I'm crazy, but, that's you're deal).

Earlier I had a little conversation with Gail.... she just found out that her son and his girlfriend are pregnant... so she's going to have a grandchild.

Also Marie was staying with Gail for the weekend. Marie is a real mess. She is still dating Ben, but doesn't really love him or want to be with him. Seems that she is just too lazy to pack up her shit and move. Huh, a real good reason to stay with someone.... apparently she is so NOT into him, that she has to do tons of drugs just to have sex with him. And, she's still dating (fucking) Alphie.

Gail said that she heard Marie on the phone with Alphie and she is just amazed that Marie has two men in her life that she has to "wipe their asses for them." That's because both Ben and Alphie are massive potheads, as well as doing whatever else they do- this and that drug, and then more drugs to counteract those.... help them sleep or wake them up, etc. It's all a bit crazy to me.

So it's a good thing that I have stayed away from Alphie because right now I'm REALLY glad I'm not pulled into all that ridiculous drama. For instance I know that Grace is NOT happy at all about sharing Alphie with Marie. And they are all doing massive amounts of drugs. Who needs it.

I can't believe that Alphie would still act like this after taking Serena's class and everything, but, who can figure people out? Marie said she is taking Serena's class next year. I'm hoping it will straighten her out, but who knows. I know that last year she paid about $3000 to go to an intensive psychotherapy program and she came back as fucked up as ever (to live with Ben and take more drugs). Why pay all this money to improve yourself when you continue to fry your brain?

Well I don't know how I got started on that. Another entry where I tell you what bothers me about the people I know!

And I am tired now. Goodnight.

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