Hi Diary,

Well still feeling lighter after last night. So that's a good thing. I do think the hypnotherapy is helping.

I was supposed to go to my second training this weekend (the one with Gail and Craig) but I have blown it off completely, pleading illness on all counts. First of all I did say that I would miss Saturday because of the engagement party. But I didn't even go to that- and then today I just said I am still sick. I just need to rest, to integrate.

What to do today? I'm not sure yet. Probably going for a walk, and I definitely have to do some grocery shopping. I never seem to have any cash on me. Such a pain. Maybe I will even call Red and see if he wants to get together.

I know Red really is worried about me, and is at a loss about what to do. He offers platitudes and logical solutions to emotional situations... well, I don't know what to tell him. But I'm hoping this will be the beginning of a better place for me.

Perhaps the Universe was matching my frequency- my internal and external vibration- I asked for a lover, but I did not completely love myself when I did that. So I got someone who did not love himself and therefore could not love me...

But I am constantly upgrading. I know that this has been an important experience for me... I do often hope that it's done very soon! Because it is so painful. But every man I date keeps getting better... more present, more loving, more of what I want. True, M was the best so far.

Kind of like what Angel said, if it's not this, it will be something better... I just have to trust, to believe... and to do that I have to believe and trust that I am worthy of love... I have to release the judgments, shame and blame that I feel...

Perhaps, just like the situation with Alphie and Grace, this can help me more deeply understand love. Would I have gone this deep if I didn't love this guy this much? I don't think so. Angel suggested that I can look at this situation like a washing machine for my heart- an opportunity to be scrubbed out from the inside. All the grief, pain, unhappiness...

Nothing is written in stone. Everything I am involved in, I am co-creating... every relationship... so I can have an effect on my own future. I really don't want M to end up in what Thomas called "the box of death"- the place where I put all my ex boyfriends and I don't talk to them anymore because I got hurt. That is old and destructive and just ends up hardening my heart.

Today my heart feels lighter, more open, airy...

Phew. Hooray, is all I can say.

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