Dear Diary,

Well, after a lot of lazing around, I did a very strange thing. I cleaned!

I'm not really sure how it started. I was in the bathroom and decided to clean the sink, then the toilet. Then I washed the dishes... and decided to clean the refrigerator. I took all the papers, photos and whatnot off the fridge and wiped it down. Strange, but one side was pretty... brown...? Almost like smoke damage. I don't know if I was cooking something smokey, or what. I just can't figure out why one side of my fridge is brown. Well, was brown.

So I did that and then I decided to clean the floor by the fridge... next thing I know I am on hands and knees scrubbing with bleach... around the fridge, in front of the sink and the stove. The correct word would be... filthy. I scrubbed, I mopped. I have not cleaned in months and months. (Things have really been at a standstill since M left in October). Then I cleaned the stove, and vacuumed the rugs and put them back. I separated piles of recyclables. I planted my remaining seeds and put them in pots, and crushed some red pepper to sprinkle on top, hopefully to keep the squirrels away.

I can only think that I got so inspired because of my session yesterday. I guess by giving up "taking care" of M, I got a lot of my own energy back. I said to myself several times, "You can still love him, but you need to keep moving forward."

I also talked to Steffy. I wanted to find out how her "sit down" with Matt went.... well, she told me she brought up the subject and basically he told her that he knew she wanted to get married and have children but he didn't think he could do that. He didn't want to lose her, but he also didn't want to commit to her any more deeply. Then he said he needed some time to think, and could they get together and talk more about it tomorrow? She said sure.

"Tomorrow" was today. He never called her. What a lame fuck. But what can you say? At least she is starting to realize that she is always waiting for him to call and he never does. He never extends himself to make plans. And now, when something important to Steffy comes up, he doesn't call... she was kind of surprised he didn't call to even say, maybe, that he wasn't ready to talk... but I wasn't surprised at all. I basically told her, in as nice a way that I could say it, that either he is too afraid, and/or, he just does not have the skills to communicate with her...he's just not ready to be in the kind of relationship that she wants.

Believe me, I know all about that.

At any rate, I asked her what she was going to do, and in usual Steffy fashion, she is still pussyfooting around and saying that she feels like she needs to talk to him, to find out how he really feels- uh, Steffy, he did ALReADY tell you- he doesn't want what you want! So I don't know what she is hoping to happen.

Actually, I do know- she wants the magic, the magic that all women want when we are at this point in a relationship. The point where you realize that this man has not turned into the man you hoped he would be, no matter how much you loved him... you hear him say the words, that he doesn't feel the same way you do, and yet you still believe that if you love him enough, if you do it right... you can fix it, and have your fairy tale relationship with this guy. That's where Steffy is at now. She even said something about worrying about Matt ending up old and alone...

Oh, dear. I have been there so many times and I know how it is. And I've known for a while that this guy could not make her happy. I guess a true friend just loves you while you figure it out yourself. And it seems it's finally starting to dawn on my dear friend.

After my walk, I went grocery shopping. I bought a lot of the foods that Carla had prepared on our vacation: lots of lettuce, veggies, some fish and chicken and turkey sausage. The idea is to eat primarily raw salad vegetables and a little protein... to get full on "high nutrient foods"- not a lot of processed crap. I have only been home a couple of days, but my stomach got immediately bloated and uncomfortable from the way I eat when I am by myself.

I realize I still have eating disorder tendencies. I just don't do well and can't seem to control myself with sweets. Even if they are "health food" snacks, I will eat the whole box. Those foods are still processed and apparently my intestines don't like them. I couldn't even believe how bloated my stomach looks tonight. Ugh. I guess I have to swear off the soy pudding and soy milk. I overstuff myself on them.

What I really need is a personal chef...

However, I feel like if I can eat this "Carla" way on a normal basis I could easily lose another five pounds, that stubborn flab that feels impossible to lose... so, what the hell. And really, who wants a bloated gassy stomach?

Anyway, while I was cleaning with my new burst of energy, I really did get a sense of excitement and possibility about my life.

[previous] [next]