Dear Diary,

Greetings from dreamland. And what a doozy it was this morning!

Dreamt that I was getting a new apartment... this older woman was interested in renting to me... I remember a blue green door and some vines growing around... the lady was very nice.

Then, oddly, next thing you know I am in M's house (not the actual current house he lives in now, but in the dream this was his house). Somehow I had let myself in and I was SNOOPING. It was very shadowy. Looking at some photographs on his desk. I remember thinking about his ex... I don't know why... then I saw some photographs on some projects he'd been working on, refurnishing a desk. In the photograph it was very ornate and beautiful.

That same desk was now in the corner of the room I was in, but now stripped of all decoration and very plain.

The room I was in was big, and the two desks were pushed to the far end. The rest was fairly empty, with no furnishings. There were big windows on one side, that let in a little light, but it must have been nighttime because it was so dark. I was standing in this big room when I heard M coming down the hall. Here he was and I had broken into his house! I tried to call out but suddenly my throat locked up and I couldn't speak at all, and I fell face down on the floor and couldn't move- I was paralyzed.

At some point there was some dialogue from M, like he was talking to himself- saying I was a bitch and that I had hurt him...

That was almost like a little time-out. Because then we are back in the scene when he discovers me, the intruder, in his house, and he starts yelling that he is going to kick my ass. But it is dark and shadowy so he doesn't know it's me! And I am paralyzed and my voice doesn't work! And I am face down and he puts his bare foot on my left shoulder, and the dream is so visceral I can smell his foot...and he tells me that I am in big trouble. He is talking to me like he thinks I am a man, and he is going to beat the shit out of me. I try to make a sound in my throat so he will know I am a woman, but all that comes out is a little grunt. No effect.

He uses the pressure of his foot on my shoulder to flip me over face-up, and proceeds to berate me. Somehow I am covered with some kind of cloth and he begins to remove that. I am freaking out inside, desperately hoping that he will feel my body and at least recognize that I am a woman so he will rethink hurting me. I am hoping he will recognize me, see the bracelet that I always wear, or turn on the light and see my face... but it does not happen.

Jump to a new scene and now it is light. Maybe it is after the other incident. We are in the same house and I am lying on the floor, but I am not paralyzed or mute. I am lying there and M is sitting with me and my legs are draped over his legs. And we are talking sweetly like lovers. There is so much light in his eyes and he is smiling. And suddenly in the middle of this exchange I remember that I was supposed to call that lady about renting the apartment! She said to let me know in a couple of days or she would give it to someone else.

So I go frantically searching for the phone number in my purse while explaining to M what I am doing. I use his phone to dial the number, but the call won't go through. Then M asks me if I had really thought this out, renting this apartment, and how close was it to important things, how would I get to the store?

I think about it and realize it is too far to walk. I say, "I guess I would have to keep my car," (because in the dream I had a car that I had assumed was a temporary thing...). He says he doesn't like me having to do that. The sense I get is that he actually doesn't like me being too independent, he likes me to have some dependence on him, and I say, "What, you like driving me to the grocery store?" And I think it is very sweet.

And then I woke up.

How about ThAT?

I'm not sure what to think about it. I'm not sure of the significance of the desk being decorated and then being stripped down... I thought that perhaps me being an intruder in M's house is indicative of being an invader of his psychic space... thinking about him too much and trying to figure out his life? The part about being paralyzed and mute... that I feel no control in this situation... the fact that M couldn't see me... well he did mention once that he was so involved in his own emotional shit that he had trouble seeing/relating to me... the violence? I'm not sure why... maybe the anger I have at myself, at him, for how things are now. Why did it seem like we were lovers again at the end of the dream? Maybe because we still care about each other... maybe M doesn't want to let me go and that's why he didn't want me to keep my vehicle... I'm not sure of the significance of getting a new place. Changing my home, changing myself? When you think about it M was also trying to discourage me from moving by telling me to think it out in regard to transportation issues...

Anyway, if anyone has any intuition of what they think this means, I'd be happy to hear it.

I'm going to see Kate today... so looking forward to that. I don't know why, but my face is completely breaking out. That is a rare occurence and I can't think of what I've been eating that would make that happen... first I was eating really well with Carla, came home and had a couple crappy days, and now trying to eat well again... but I don't think just a couple days would warrant such bad skin... maybe it is all this internal stress.

So, later.

Duck

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