feathers and snow [ 2008-06-26, 12:08 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

More dreams of M of course, I woke up a couple of times and went back to sleep, so I don't remember them completely. One I know I had a peacock feather in my hair, and M did something that really pissed me off, and I was eating macaroni, really stabbing it angrily. Then it seemed we made up, and he was carrying a bag for me. There was also something about a roller rink... The second dream took place in the winter, we were out looking at the snow, and big trees. And he was telling me he broke the branch off one of them...

Well I guess I have just accepted that 1) either I have some kind of constant dialogue going on with M in the dream world; or 2) this is how my brain is getting over the rejection and depression... I'm not sure. I've also been reading the subconscious mind book, and it says that basically we all have the power to change our lives by tapping into the power of our unconscious mind, and repeating affirmations right before we go to sleep. So I've got my affirmations, basically that everything is going to happen in divine order and I don't have to control anything... but it's hard, because I realize how much I worry, and think that if I don't worry, I'm not doing anything to help my life! So that goes back to the issue of trust.

I saw Steffy last night, and she was in tears. We didn't have much time to talk but I gathered that she still hasn't heard from Matt. Unbelievable, I think she has her answer... the thing about us women is men are telling us things over and over again, through not only words but actions too, and we just seem to have such a hard time believing that what we are witnessing is true: HE IS NOT WHO WE WANT HIM TO BE. HE CAN'T BE WHO WE WANT HIM TO BE.

Thinking back to that day in October I realize it could have gone either way. M and I could have worked out some kind of compromise and swept everything under the rug, continued on, and who knows where I'd be now. Maybe still freaked out and waiting... but... I did the scariest thing I could ever do, and suggested the break. I guess on some level I just knew... I just knew he could not be what I wanted. And still, even if I feel like I did something good for myself, I feel like I am the one who suffers the most... but then again, I have no idea what he's going through, so that may be just me feeling sorry for myself.

And the truth is I choose how to feel in every moment, what to focus on. I chose that day in October to say, "This is a great opportunity" - an opportunity to grow, learn about myself, heal past wounds, and have something better come out of it.

The card that comes up is sacrifice. Would I be willing to sacrifice my great love for an even better one? I seem to be having a hard time doing that. I have a hard time trusting that anything better is coming my way. I have a hard time letting go of what has become familiar to me.

So much between heart and mind... present and past... the relationship I have with myself reflects it all. That's the only thing I have to work on, when I get right down to it. If I ask myself how can I learn to love myself... I suppose the first answer is to believe I deserve things in life, not just good food, new clothes etc but also deserving love... and if I can sweep away the judgments, and self-blame wow how different it would be for me in every fiber of my being...

This morning I was thinking of joining the gym down the street, even though it is pretty expensive. I can go to GymMan's gym for free, but it takes me forever to get there, it's so out of the way. Delia told me that one has to choose a gym no less than 15 minutes away or else you'll never go... it is true that it would be easier for me if I could go to this place closer to home... but the added expense? Could I manage it? Huh. Well really I don't think it's the smartest thing to do, at this point, with my debt, and commitment to two trainings, therapy, occasional appointments with Kate... time is valuable, it's true... but an additional $80+ per month really seems to be pushing it. What if instead I applied that to my debt? Gah.

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