#2

Dear Diary,

Well, I kind of decided today that it is just my job to get through each and every day as best I can. There is a lot of stuff shifting for me, stuff even I can't see. It's much deeper than just the surface stuff.

So I don't feel like going out most of the time. Really, I still feel like lying in bed all day. I am not motivated and nothing really excites me or makes me happy. But it won't always be that way.

I looked on a couple of dating sites including plentyoffish which I guess is the newest and hottest thing. But I really just can't get into it. Either the men are not tall enough (I'm sorry, I know how stupid that sounds) or just don't catch my interest after dating M (he's gorgeous) or if they are good looking, they are just a bit too good looking and you can tell by their profile that they are cocky and annoying... ugh. I guess I am just not ready to shop, because I don't even have the energy to pick through the racks. Obviously I am still in love with M and nobody is interesting to me... so, there's not much to do about that. Why force it? I've never had ANY luck online anyway since I seem to have some kind of freak magnet when it comes to the computer, so even if I meet someone new, I don't think that's how it's going to come about.

I went to the grocery store to get some things for lunch. Still trying to persist with the healthy eating. Last night I had a very large salad consisting of mixed greens, carrots, tomatoes, avocado, broiled portobello mushrooms and hummus. And today for lunch, romaine lettuce with cucumber, carrots and tomatoes, brown rice pasta with tomato sauce, some olives and feta cheese. Carla insists she doesn't eat sauce or oil, but hey, I happen to like tomato sauce and let's not take EVERYTHING away right now... okay? I'm just remembering in college when me and several other girls were eating bread dipped in tomatoe sauce... oh, bread... I don't even eat that anymore.

So, just day by day, whatever it takes to keep me alive till the end of the summer, and put good food into my body... I am through being hard on myself about the gym or the places I don't go... I am going through some shit and obvsiously it is quite emotional and somewhat subconscious... so all I can do is try to be my best friend right now and when I am done, I'll be done... till then... this is life.

I called Irinia last night. I feel bad about blowing off her engagement party etc. and don't ask me why I feel like I just want to avoid her but I do... out of guilt I offered to help with something for the wedding, then of course I realized I am going to be so busy this month, traveling and working, and going to Delia's, that I must have been insane to offer help with anything... well last night I told her I would put a significant amount of money toward her wedding flowers if she wanted and talk to Steffy about doing some arrangements for her. She seemed happy with that so, good. That will also be my gift. Period.

I have to get ready to go to work, I might be late... but... I just have to get through the next couple of hours, then sleep. And more dreams, no doubt.

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