plants and things [ 2008-06-30, 12:48 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

All I can do... all I can do... is do my best in each and every moment.

I have a heaviness around me, I feel like I'm dragging myself along. But all I can do is rest as much as needed, feed myself good food, and work when I can. That is it. That is the extent of my obligations. I cannot worry about anything else- I give myself freedom from all responsibility about social obligations, gym, miscellaneous worries, other peoples' shit, and "have tos". It kind of feels like it's just about surviving right now...

I know it will get better in time. I actually feel stronger than I used to... less anxious, less empty. Less and less like I 'need' somebody to make me whole. So I guess that is good. I understand that it is nobody else's responsibility but mine to pick up any pieces of my life and mend it back together. What a crappy-feeling process, is all I've got to say.

Tonight at work there were some very handsome, nice men but still nobody that knocked me out... you know.

My seedlings have started to sprount. After the squirrel did major destruction, I replanted some new ones, and started some in the house by the window as well. I guess there is something very promising about seeing little green shoots poking up and starting to unfurl... a testament to my own fortitude, I suppose. The Universe must think I'm very strong!!

I find something very satisfying about caretaking my outdoor plants that I raised from seed. I already have several pots with vines that are starting to climb. Also some cosmos that sprung up two days after I put them in the pot! There are some questionable larkspurs and I will have to see if anything happens with them, as well as columbines and four o'clocks. That is my garden...

I'm also reading about four books at once, as usual. One was talking about the fung shui of drawing a lover in your life, how first of all you have to clear your space to make room for someone- and, you should have loverly things in pairs, like candlesticks and such. Hmm. Well my house is still quite messy but I am working on the one end I started in. I think I am going to move things around, such as the dishdrainer, so I have more counter space. I'm so tired of cooking with minimal space! Also I just donated a number of books to the library, so that made a little space... I will carry on!

I just made dinner, and I was just going to have a few odds and ends but ended up throwing in a salad too. Hopefully that is becoming a habit... a nice habit to have. I guess the more good food I eat, the more energized I will feel.

Each night as I fall asleep, I repeat my affirmations to myself. I also do it when I am waking up, kind of the time between dreaming and being awake. We shall see if it actually works.

So... one day at a time.

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