dumping some thoughts before going to work [ 2008-07-02, 12:22 p.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Had a dream that it was Halloween time and I was shopping for a costume, but I couldn't pick anything. Overall I was depressed (still) and thinking about M and the fact that this would probably be the second year in a row that I would not dress up. I knew I definitely did not want to be a troll doll...

(FYI in real life last year I did put on a wig and makeup last minute)

Also there was another part of the dream where I was watching Stacey's kid, and he fell asleep on the couch and I was just going to leave him there, rather than try to move him to his crib and wake him up. And another part where I had a pink bedroom and a really disgusting rug, and two girls were hanging out with me and we were chatting. There were cobwebs on the walls.

What does it all mean? Who cares? I was up till early this morning, kind of crampy, and avoided looking at the clock the later (or earlier) it got because I didn't want to bug myself out. Now of course I have a very limited time to clean this place up and get my act together.

I'm not feeling so great now, but of course I have to work all day! Gah. I've never been so depressed in my whole life! I'm depressed in my sleep and right away when I wake up. I keep on doing everything I physically know how to do... therapywise... but I am really running out of solutions. I know therapist suggested medication, but I really don't want to go down that road!

Every night I do my subconscious reprogramming... I really do try my best. And I know that I help to create my life. So why do I always get in these positions where the other person in my relationship gets to make all the decisions...? It is very strange. Maybe there is something I'm missing, about being active in relationship and focusing on what I want and going from there. I don't mean expecting somebody to conform to what I want or throwing tantrums. I mean having a sense inside from the beginning that I am worthy enough to ask for, and get, what I want. I am obviously picking the wrong people...

So I don't want to go into that place of wondering, what is he doing, why doesn't he love me, etc etc. Really in his mind it is probably over forever. And I can bet he is scared/not ready to talk to me. I can't really blame him for that either because I think about calling him all the time and I am scared. I am scared of how he'll be or what he'll say... I feel like if he is cold or shut down with me, or even appearing happier without me, I will just be devastated. Which leads me to believe that I have more work to do before I can talk to him.

Now I really have to get going because I have so much to do... it just feels good to have a place to dump my thoughts now and then...

Love,
Duck

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