responsibility and vampires [ 2008-07-03, 1:27 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Inez was complaining about dating a guy with a kid... and saying she was upset because he had to spend time with his son, and divide it with her... she suggested that he introduce her to his child, so that she can have more time. He told her that he was not ready to do that. I guess when you have a child, you need to really know that the person you're dating is going to stay in your life.

Anyway, Inez got all upset and told the guy that it wasn't fair, and she had some kind of percentage all worked out where she figured she was only getting 25% of his time, and it wasn't fair because she was lonely, probably lonelier than him because he could at least spend time with his son.

They ended up breaking it off, but Inez was standing there telling me this story like she expected me to agree with her. I was just kind of listening and trying to figure out why this was so bizarre to me.

And then I realized, that it was just insanity. How, in any case, was this man responsible for her loneliness? I realized that she was speaking from the place of a child, and not an adult. We as adults are responsible for ourselves, our own lives, how we fill them, and our own happiness- to expect another adult to fulfill that for us is madness, and actually drives people away.... what man wants to take on responsibility for that, almost like inheriting an adult child? He's already got one kid, why would he need a 38 year old little girl?

Well it shed some light on my situation for me and letting me know I'm on the right track. I just want to be happy and fulfilled in my own life. Balancing my happiness on someone else is just too risky- anything can happen! Even if M came back into my life... and he was still a mess... would I really be happy? The thing is my whole life has been juggling so it's almost like I don't know anything else.

I know I'm a nut... what can I say... but I think I MUST be getting better... I was reading somewhere that sometimes one does a lot of work (personal growth), and nothing seems to be happening, but then suddenly there is a "shift" in consciousness.... okay I can deal with that... certainly feels like I've been building up to it. Talked to a former colleague on the phone tonight and out of nowhere she said I sounded really good, much calmer than I used to be... wow... well it was good to get that kind of feedback, because sometimes I think that about myself but I can't be sure.

Also I think I've determined what it is about Irinia that irks me so. I told her I would give her one hundred dollars for her wedding, and then she was trying to get me to do all kinds of things for her, she wanted me to ask my friends for favors. But she doesn't know my friends, and I felt uncomfortable about it. Keith pointed out that this was manipulative and unfair, and jokingly called her a "vampire". I know he was joking but it felt true... maybe that's what has felt wrong about my relationship with her. I always feel like she wants something, but is not bringing much to the table herself. Ugh.

After I wrote earlier today, I went right to work cleaning up my house EVEN MORE... ??? Amazing! It's because I need to go out of town for a wedding, and I can't bear to leave my place THAT sloppy. I vacuumed and dusted the window sills, cleaned up and put out recycleables.... handwashed seven dresses! I know it may still look like a real mess to someone else, but it is definitely better. I took a shower, and ate a really big delicious salad for lunch. Didn't give me enough time to get to the library, but, enough time to get to work. I think the cleaning thing definitely affects my mood- but also this wasn't ready to happen until I went through some other shift. So, all good.

I've also been reading a book called "Big Mind/Big Heart" and I think it's helped me a lot. It is like the "shortcut" to meditation and may have helped me find some peace.

I don't know... I don't know if it's one thing or another, or a combination of many things... but I would just love it if I could find deep peace.

Love,

Duck

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