Dear Diary,

Sorry I didn't tell anyone I was going out of town... I went out of town. To a family wedding. 'Nuff said...

I guess it was all good. First off, I missed my bus, and had to pay extra money to get on the next one. It was a long-ass day, especially considering that I had only 3 hours of sleep the night before. I hate the fact that I get insomnia if I even THINK about getting up early the next morning...

The 4th was better than I expected. I expected to be flooded with memories of last year... M and I did see fireworks the weekend before 4th of July, and then on the actual night, it was raining. We had dinner with his parents, and then tried to determine if there were going to be fireworks anywhere... well, wouldn't you know we were driving home and that man start "following" fireworks.... searching the sky and driving any which direction he saw a flash so I could have my fireworks. We ended up in a church parking lot, it was pouring, but every 3 minutes or so there was an attempted sad, starburst of color... my heart was so deeply touched that he tried so hard to find me fireworks! You can't convince me that he didn't love me at least at one time...

Anyways, this year I was in my hometown and I went to Kelly's house. She and her man still fight as much as ever, and she spent all day crying due to some argument, and actually came to my parents' house and said, "Be glad that you're not in a relationship, because this is all that you get, at least you don't have to fight over every stupid little thing!" She must have said that 9 times, and I wanted to poke her eyes out, because I loved that man with every inch of my heart AND we didn't fight about stupid little things at all... but I just told her relationships didn't have to be like that, if people learn how to communicate. At any rate we both went back to her house and were there at party time and I guess they just picked up where they left off and pretended it never happened. Fireworks came and went, and I didn't feel at all as bad as I thought I would. So I guess the layers of grief are lifting and I am finally moving toward peace.

I took Kelly to the wedding with me. I couldn't bare to go to yet another hometown function alone, and Nick totally flaked out when I asked him to go. It was not the most interesting wedding party- most everyone was concerned with getting drunk, and the music was horrible- but, we got through it.

This morning I dreamt that I was alternately swimming like/riding on the back of a shark, and I said to myself in this dreamspace: "Just keep close to myself, and keep moving, getting nourishment as I go."

I may have had sharks confused with whales, since whales are the ones that eat the plankton or whatever and they have to swim so it will go in their mouth. But isn't there something about if a shark stops swimming it will die? I am not sure, but the message in the dream seemed to be, "I have to keep moving."

Also I went to bed relatively early each night and had a hard time waking up- slept almost 10 hours each night and could have slept more! A little bizarre. Either I am too stressed in my "regular" life or there is something in my apartment that keeps me from sleeping, or my subconscious is going crazy trying to integrate all the stuff I read and the therapy I do... don't know. But I will be trying my best to get to bed early tonight...

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