everybody is an asshole, at one point or another [ 2008-07-14, 1:19 a.m. ]

#2

Hi again Diary,

Just a note before I am off to bed. After the party last night both Delia and I were tired, so we just ran a couple errands today and watched a couple of movies. I didn't even drink, but I felt exhausted.

Delia said she didn't want to go back to work, but I can only guess that maybe she is ready for me to go... it seems she and Bud have a set little life with their comforts, and I start to feel some tension. I am so hypersensitive to stuff like that, and I try not to be a pain, but I guess it's natural with family.

I do not come from a fully functional family, if nobody knows that yet... Delia is most like my dad, quick to anger and easily inconvenienced by other people's feelings... my mother and I are more similar, swallowing our feelings and sacrificing for everybody else. So I have always felt run over by Delia in my life...for MANY years I considered her my enemy, and had no understanding that people in families actually GOT ALONG...but I know she loves me and I could really see how concerned she has been about me on this trip, just for the fact alone that she has held her tongue on a number of issues where usually she'd be judging my life... that for her is a BIG deal.

I tried not to fall into a hole today with my thoughts. They want to pull me there, judging what has happened. For instance now I feel incredibly tricked and deceived, M calling me and us having that lovely conversation where he cried, then he said he wanted me to see other people... but it was all in the wording... because in actuality wasn't it that he wanted to break up, because we weren't seeing each other anyway? He doesn't want to see me... and afterward he started behaving more and more like a teenager... I don't know... I could fume about it forever... everybody acts like an asshole every now and then I suppose... yours truly included. I guess I just look for reasons to be mad at him, and at myself... but it's not serving me in any way.

I really hope to have love in my life soon. I guess I keep thinking I have to work on it... and maybe I don't have to try so hard. I always think everybody else has it easier than me... but I know that's not true.

Who knows? I'm tired.

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