change of scenery [ 2008-07-15, 12:58 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Delia and I looked in a couple of stores (she was returning a gift and ended up exchanging it for a blouse; the store was so ridiculously expensive that it was useless for me to even think about buying anything...) and then went out to lunch. As usual she paid for everything. I felt like I should buy SOMETHING but the truth is I don't have a lot of extra cash, with all the traveling and my training and the whole bit.

After lunch she dropped me off at the airport. I drove myself crazy looking at all the beautiful women and comparing myself to them.... again with this "type" thing. I developed a crush on my stewardess. M would have loved her. I am killing myself with this crap. What is wrong with me?

But finally I have decided that what I want first and foremost is somebody that wants to be with ME- and is sure about that. Someone that is committed to being with me. I don't want to have to worry for the rest of my life that I am not pretty enough or this or that. If someone is so superficial that they need to be with their type in order to be happy, instead of wanting me for who I am, then they don't deserve to be with me. If anything, I have to develop some self-love here, something that says: I deserve to be loved for who I am, and here are the requirements. Here is what I require...not just what I will accept. That is my big problem. I take crumbs and don't ask for what I really want. I don't even KNOW what I really want, my will having been crushed long ago.

Hmm. Something is definitely going on with me. On Tuesday I bought a box of chocolate eclairs and ate 3 of them, immediately, one after the other. I tried not to make it an eating disorder thing and I checked in with my feelings, etc, and tried to feel into what was going on and why would I do such a thing? I am still unsure. I think my feelings of grief and anger are so overwhelming and I don't know how to process them.

Over the time at Delia's in the past few days, I have also eaten sugar. If you have read me at all you know this is my weak point, a true addiction for me. It is more than just dietary- I actually don't feel well when I eat sugar, but I do it anyway. It can alter my feelings, making me feel anything from spacey to anxious, and also causing sore throats. This week I felt like the sugar beast was awakened in me once again. It is an all-or-nothing beast and once it is awake it is never satisfied... it is not a matter of, oh, I will just have this bite of cake... it wants the whole cake, every candy bar.... more more more... so I need to stay AWAY from it...

So, perhaps now with a change of scenery, I can return to a better choice of diet for myself. Maybe I am on the verge of something really big.

I think I need to start dancing again. Dancing is something that makes me feel really sexy, and rather than gawking at women in the airport whom I will never be, I think it's better to put my energies elsewhere. Might be time to go on a little exploration of what makes me feel sexy, what I deserve. And get the fucking sugar out of the way. It's like a drug that pulls me back into my dysfunctional patterns.

Gah.

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