Dear Diary,

Don't even ask me how a whole week went by and I haven't updated!! Ergh. I've been busy, and tired.

After Delia's, I went to my class with Serena. It was okay, but I was totally pooped afterward! Then I came home, worked one day, and was off to my second training.

Gail and Craig were there in their usual drama. Craig almost left in the middle because they got into a fight. I really have trouble standing him. Once again he accused me of not calling him back. Basically, after much whining and accusing, I told him that if he didn't hear from me, he could assume that I didn't get his message, because I would call him back. Jeez. But also, I did not say anything about initiating a call with him. Because. I. DON'T. WANT. TO!

Also, he is such an arrogant, argumentative person that it drives me crazy. He said, what's wrong with you, Duck, you look depressed. And I said, I am depressed. But not in a moany way or anything- more like, yeah, so, I am depressed and I'm living through it. Gail even laughed and said, you OWN that, sister! But then Craig starts trying to analyze and make it a logical thing about feelings, which is ridiculous because they don't go together; plus Craig severely misjudges his SKILL in regard to helping people or talking to them. PLUS, I wasn't asking for help- I know I am depressed, I own it, I am living through it and I'm not trying to pull any kind of "poor me" attitude. I don't want anyone to help me- I want them to leave me alone in my depression, if anything!

Anyway, Craig is fucking annoying, and Gail regularly rips him a new asshole, but if I say any kind of complaint she will defend him. Do you know people like this? Sure, she can call him every name in the book and say whatever... but then if I say, it feels like Craig has to argue with me all the time, she says, oh you know he had a rough childhood and isn't good with people and he's doing his best to learn. Hmm. Pretty convenient that she forgets all that when she's accusing him of being the worst boyfriend ever and saying nasty things to his face.

What-EVER!!! Geez being with those two is like being flung into a reality TV show... reality TV would probably eat it up... all they do is fight!

Now I am home, worked a lot today and also had a meeting with perspective clients. I think I will be getting more work soon, which is great because I just lost that other client.

By the way, guess who I ran into today? My old boss, CF. She was her usual (not) cheerful self- I wish I had paid better attention, but I think the quality of our dynamic has changed. First of all, I didn't feel quite so "sticky" with her. I think, even though she is an evil witch from hell, I always had some kind of longing for her to love me. Mother issues, I guess. I don't recall really feeling like that anymore. Even the last time, I felt like I shrank when I am in front of her. I don't think I felt like that this time.

Also, I realized after I left- that she is fat. Well, not super fat, but fatter... I do not have anything against ladies with lovely curves, but just knowing CF, I know this is a sign that she is truly miserable. She works out constantly and has always prided herself on her figure... I know something must be going on. And, she didn't say anything about me and my obvious weightloss and my obvious great haircut. So she is miserable and not in the mood for giving compliments. Huh.

In other news, I am obsessed with the thought of calling M. But I am also really scared of being rejected. I have all kinds of dreams that people are arguing with me, berating me and attacking me. I take this to symbolize the imbalance within myself and how much I judge myself and beat myself up. I know that as long as I am doing that, I am still hating myself and creating that vibration in the Universe- thus setting myself up for rejection... so what's the point of calling him anyway. MUST...BECOME... MORE....FABULOUS!!

So fabulous that either I don't love him anymore, or he can't resist me. Those are the only two directions I am willing to go. If you want me to be honest, which you didn't say you wanted, but I am just letting you know.

Yesterday I ate six cups of butterscotch pudding. I am so OFF the wagon. Let me explain something to anyone who does not know about eating disorders. They are not about pleasure and enjoyment. Food becomes about STUFFING. It is not happy-making. It is a substitute for love, or like heroin to numb one out. It is not fun. It is not delicious. I am not an indulgent pig- I am a woman who is in so much pain that I cannot even feel my feelings, so I need to eat a whole package of pudding. Afterward I feel vile, bloated, full and guilty. I know better. I have struggled with this for years. I was doing so good, no sugar since October, blah blah blah.

But. Whatever. I will straighten out again. The eating is connected to the grief- the grief is connected to the fear... the fear creates the anxiety... I just keep digging... I just keep going... I am going somewhere... I will be different... I will be who I really am... someday.

I am tired.

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