Hi Diary,

For whatever reason today, after I had a conversation with Ginny I started having anxiety attacks. Anxiety about money, and general anxiety. Wahh. I had a hard time calming myself down. Even though I didn't really have any deadlines, I was stressing big time and feeling like I had too much to do.

I finally took a shower and that calmed me a bit. I was waiting for B to pick me up so we could go out and meet Steffy for dinner, and that was about 5:30 or so, so I officially thought that it would be okay to text Paul back. I figured if I texted back 20 or so hours after he texted me, he would get the hint that things would move a bit faster if he actually called.

The evening was fun, B and I stopped off at a diner and I noticed that Paul had texted me YET AGAIN. Damn. Obviously he didn't get the hint. I hate the text message thing- yes girlkisses pointed out that it can feel safer, it's less confrontational and thus leaves less chance for feelings of rejection... but I have this weird thing with men... I don't want men who play it safe. Back when Frank started emailing me rather than call me, I CUT HIM OFF. Still, to this day!

I know that's a bit excessive... and it has it's roots in the fucked-upness of my childhood... for example, back when I was a kid, my mother would never sit us down and have conversations with us... if we had hurt her or upset her, if she was angry with us, or if it was an uncomfortable subject for her... she would LEAVE ME NOTE. On my bed. Yes. Imagine living in the same house as someone, having a conversation, then walking into your bedroom and discovering what they REALLY felt. What they were too afraid to say to your face. It was a very, very, fucked up way to live and definitely didn't teach me much about dealing with confronation in my life!

Because life has an eerie way of repeating itself, when I moved out of my parents house, I went to live with a friend of mine, and her husband... I rented a room from them. Well I would think things were honky-dory until I got to work and opened my email, and I would find my friend had written me emails to ask me to please not leave this out of the refrigerator or please do this, or if she was upset... this happened several times. Again, living in the same house as someone and she couldn't even ask for the basic things to my face- you can bet that made my head spin around. Eventually, email confrontation was the downfall of our relationship, as she accused me of something I did not do. Things are always fucked up when you try to converse about an emotionally tense situation via email, because the other person cannot see your face or hear the tone in your voice, and it really depends on how they are feeling the moment they read it...

Anyway, I know I'm a bit fucked up about this, and that is why. I don't like note-writers, emailers or texters. I am not opposed to those things when you know the relationship is good, settled, and on an even keel. But I am extremely suspicious when there is tension in the relationship. For example, I knew something was up when M emailed me about confirming out meeting date. It was out of character for him, and I could tell he was avoiding me. That's when I told him that I only wanted to hear from him via phone. (I didn't tell him that the alternative would be that I would want to wring his neck over a text message).

In the case of Paul, of course there is tension there. Sexual tension, nervousness about meeting someone new.... of course there is a risk. And now is the time when he gets to be brave and vehemently pursue me. That's how the game is played- let's not get lazy, people! Texting is for the lazy guys. I want that bravery, the same courage that led Paul to start talking to me on the bus, to ask me out, to press his lips against mine... I want to feel that in him, that masculinity. I want to feel that he is willing to take the risk. For me, love is about risk, risking to trust... and how could I ever trust a man that cannot risk pursuing me?

Hmm.

So he texted, "Oh, I see you know how to text message!"

And I texted: "Yes, I can do many wonderful things with my body, but if you keep being silly and only texting me rather than call, you may never find out!"

The phone rang 30 seconds later.

We only talked for a moment, he started explaining, "Well, I only call when I'm gonna make plans... I have to go to bed soon... " I laughed and said all was fine. He said he'll call me tomorrow.

I was quite proud of myself.

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