Dear Diary,

Of course, with all the pressure of having a date this morning, of course I didn't sleep last night. I was up until 4:30 or 5. I woke up about 9:30 in a panic from a dream, something about M I am sure and in that moment of waking up I knew I didn't want to go out with Paul and this was a bad idea.

But, I did anyway. Paul called me at about 10:30, I had already showered and was pretty much completely ready. I told him so and he said, "Good for you," which was annoying and sarcastic and an incredible turn off for me... apparently this is one of his phrases because he used it a couple of times. He told me where to meet him, and I was pretty much feeling weird at that point so I wasn't all that upset when I had to walk back to my apartment (twice) to get things I forgot.

In spite of that, I still arrived at the meeting place before Paul. I guess he decided that it would take me longer than it did... I called him when I was there and I could tell he felt like he really fucked up. He ran over and we went to breakfast. Where did we go? This is the crazy, creepy part...

Remember the guy I met in January, Nate? I met him at the same bus stop where I met Paul. Well, Paul took me to breakfast in the *same* restaurant that Nate took me to. Why is life so weird?

I hardly ate anything, it felt like we were struggling a little bit for conversation, but overall okay. Afterward we went to the park. We sat for a while and people-watched... we kissed a bit. The whole time I was feeling like at any moment I was going to cry because I miss M so much. I tried, Diary, I really did! Sometimes it was okay, but there was such a strong missing of M... we went and had tea before I had to go to work, and that was a little better. He said he'll call me this week.

All that happens when I hang out with another man is I become more and more aware of how well M and I fit together, the ways that he was just as crazy as me. I asked Paul what his favorite color was, and he doesn't even have one. I have never met a person who doesn't have a favorite color? It's weird. He is younger and not as developed intellectually and emotionally as M. It's more than I could ever explain here, Diary, it's just... you know... not the same chemistry, not even close. For example, I remarked how one of the trees in the park had such character... (to me it looked like it had a face) and how another one was very graceful (it looked like it had dancer's arms)... and Paul was like, "What do you mean?" I just know that M and I could have had a three hour conversation about the grace of trees. He has an artist's eye and he definitely has a favorite color... do you think he is struggling to find chemistry with someone else?

Although Paul told me several times that I am pretty, beautiful, sexy... and when I went to the restroom and looked at myself in the mirror, I really felt he was right. I feel prettier than I have in such a long time, so I guess dating is good for something. But.

I have to call M. I have to call him; I have to see how he feels about me. I have to see if it's possible to have another chance. I know my brain can run away from me... I know originally, that M did not leave me for another woman. I know what we had was very real, and I have experienced that chemistry like what we have is not easy to find;

Part of being in relationship is being honest, and being vulnerable. How will I ever know unless I take a chance and find out? Believe me, I wanted to call him directly after this date. But I have held off, first I feel like I want to clear some more things with Kate, and prepare a little bit more. I am making myself crazy.

And maybe you too! I don't know- Paul is nice. But I feel I am meant to be with M. I just do.

Love,
Duck

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