Dear Diary,

Have spent the last 24 hours feeling awful, cramping, exhausted, and then sleeping it off. It is like I am fighting a war within myself and I have no energy left to engage with anyone else. Just woke up from a long nap and vivid dreams... dreamed that I had a Japanese client and I was supposed to meet him in his hotel room, but I misunderstood his directions and they wouldn't let me upstairs... then B was there and I was supposed to give him a massage but I said first I was going swimming with all my friends, then attending to the Japanese client, then would massage B...

I was swimming in a big pool (maybe it was the hotel pool?) with all the girls from my neighborhood... then we were showing each other what yoga postures we could do comfortably.

And the most embarrassing part of the dream, but I'll write it here because, after all, this is my Diary and what the hey... is that I was having sex with BOTH Gail and Craig... believe me not two people I would choose to have a three-way with... the amazing part is they were not arguing at the time! Ha ha. It seemed they were taking advantage of me, but at the same time it was pleasurable for me.... even though in my waking state believe me I have the heebie-jeebies with the whole Craig factor.

It seems a combination of stress (a lot of work to be done) and everytime I dream about my old friends I think I must be repairing something from childhood. The whole sex thing- I don't know... maybe I feel taken advantage of by Gail and Craig in some way... that they are not compassionate with me and just want what they want for themselves.

The dream dictionary says, "To dream about sex, refers to the psychological completion and the integration of contrasting aspects of the Self. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character."

Does this mean I need to be more like them? What would that look like? Ew. The willies. For more than one reason...

So, my cramping has definitely gotten worse. I can only assume because in the last couple of months I have been eating sugar again... not every day, but still way more than I was since October. There seems to be dietary links to my discomfort. The difference is indeed amazing, because I was having such good days there for awhile.

I also seem to be quite dehydrated. I don't know if I will be able to muster up the energy to do anything constructive today, but I can try my best. I was thinking of going to the movies.

I talked to Red last night and asked him his opinion about what I should say to Paul- ? He seemed to think that there were two options. To just be honest, and tell him that I am in love with someone else, and we can be friends or whatever.... or... to wait until Paul says something more to the tune of seeing me exclusively. Red was wondering if perhaps because Paul is young that he would only really be looking for fooling around and not so much for a relationship. That would actually be a relief to me, but I have the suspicion that he wants a girlfriend... all of his best friends have girlfriends, and I'm thinking he might want to be in that pack.

Anyway, I guess I'll just see what happens. I did text him back yesterday (after his text about not being able to concentrate at work because he was thinking of me). He texted back but hasn't called me or anything... and, he was talking about going away for the weekend anyway. So it looks like I don't have to deal with this right now anyway.

It's actually not even that big of a deal, but my life is boring and I have nothing else to write about...

You know....

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