Hi Again,

Trying to find patience, patience. Remember what Evi said, that it is less about doing it NOW because I feel desperate and afraid, and more about being in a really good place with myself.

I just made three more appointments with Kate... I need to get rid of these desperate feelings asap... I cannot stand this anymore... it's been long enough that I cannot properly soothe myself.

I have been reading (another) book that is actually written for partners, it talks about how we attract partners, and how we will always attract someone that brings up the most important issues we have to face- usually the parts we reject in ourselves. It brings up the topic of self-love, which of course is a big one for me... last night I had a dream that I was rescuing little children whose parents were trying to kill them... I had three babies in my arms and dragging two little ones by the hands... trying to find their parents but all the parents had shapeshifted, changed their appearances, because they didn't want their children back... they wanted to live in their own Utopian society... it was kind of like a Stephen King story. Evil. There was one particular baby that was very very bad, and I had to keep him strapped in the stroller, he was evil and dangerous and bad, that's all I know- maybe he could kill people, I'm not sure. But I actually didn't care for him at all and I was pretending to like him more than I did.

Huh. So I have had quite a few dreams about rescuing babies and each time I guess it is me. And I know therapist always says that every person in my dream is a part of me, so even the parents represent me rejecting myself and not wanting my vulnerable parts back.

Someday, my Diary will be about amazing things happening or great sex but for now, just bear with me, this is what I have to write about!

I would like to spend some time in the sun today. I have really hardly enjoyed the summer, I know... it's been all I can do to just survive through my heavy emotions, work and school... so that is my goal for today.

I'm out.

Love,
Duck

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