Dear Diary,

Woke up from dreaming. At one point I was showing my father several levels of a house. Then I was in a bathroom, with a tub full of water, picking up broken pieces of glass so other people wouldn't get hurt. But I ended up cutting up my own hands, and got a sliver of glass in my foot. I picked it out, but I was in pain and started to cry. I began to call and call out my sister's name- her nickname, the name I called her in childhood. I was weeping and calling out to her. There was some other people in the house, and they let her know that I was calling her.

I was in distresss, and came out of the bathroom. I was naked and bleeding from my hands and feet, because of all the cuts from the glass. In this state I was wandering, calling her name like a distraught child. She finally came and made as if to usher me upstairs and take care of me. But I was so injured and broken that on the third or fourth step I had to kneel down I was in such pain- it was at that point that my sister began to pull on my feet, grinding my knees into the step. I was saying, "Leelie, Leelie, that's hurting my knees, grinding broken glass, why are you doing this to me?!" But she would not stop; it was as if she were punishing me. Punishing me further for what I had already done to myself?

Finally she did stop and I was able to get to the top of the steps- and here we started to fight. Next thing I know we were throwing things at each other- toys, pieces of chalk, wood... she began to berate me and make fun of me... she made fun of all the feelings I held inside, and when I liked a guy and wouldn't say anything... there were actually oil drums at one point and I was tipping them over and trying to hit her, knock her down with them.

I woke up rather startled- I mis-set my alarm and rather than napping for 20 minutes, slept for over an hour. The dream left me feeling raw, confused and bruised inside, and even cried a little. The sound of my weeping voice calling my sister's name- my broken and bleeding body- it was a very powerful image.

I can only guess that the work I'm doing with Kate is very important and stirring things up. The damage I have done to myself in the name of protecting others- swallowing my feelings, so my family could work the way it was "supposed to" and I could survive- was like cutting myself on the broken glass. And whatever that was with my sister- the animosity of feelings between us, growing up in an environment where we couldn't even be friends... maybe turned some part of me against myself. Also a big part of what I talked to Kate about today was hating myself when I feel my most vulnerable.

Yes, I went to Kate again, and it was good work. I was very tired again when I came home. Maybe it is good for me to sleep after those sessions, because it does seem to stir up some dreaming in the middle of the day!

Last night Paul did indeed stop by work and pick me up. He took me out to eat, but it seems that by the time I'm done with work, all the good restaurants are closed. So we had a mediocre meal. At the end of the meal he was rubbing my legs and feet under the table. It all feels good and I can see myself getting very turned on by him, although I don't really have much interest in kissing him. It just doesn't do anything for me- when he kisses me I can think of ten other things I'd rather be doing. It's the pheromones or something, he just doesn't taste or smell right... this is not like me, if I'm attracted to someone. So I guess I'm not attracted. Stacey and other friends say, "Well, you never know...." but I've never been with someone where I feel such... nothing! I think those people just want me to move on.

Hmm. So I don't know.

Well I'm feeling a bit better now that I've slept. I'm already feeling the time crunch before I go away next week- I feel like I have so much to do. I told Steffy I would help out for two days with the dogs, but of course it is interfering with my schedule and things I wanted to do. Very inconvenient. Also, she called me last night and said she was leaving (today) and had to get the keys to me- I was working last night and then out with Paul, so that was poor planning. So I guess she has already left- now what? She should have made a set of keys for me over the weekend and got them to me... now of course I do not know if she's made other arrangements or what she wants to do. I'm expecting a phone call sometime today and another inconvenience connected with that.

I knew I should have never said yes; the whole thing is just annoying. I don't have time to help anyone else, I can barely help myself!!

Love,
Duck

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