Dear Diary,

Well, guess who just left my apartment? Yup, you guessed it- Paul.

Well here's what happened. I puttered around after I awoke from my disturbing dream, even though I had wanted to lie in the sun. I was hemming and hawing about it, and finally decided to compromise a bit and just take a walk. So I walked for about 20 minutes, which is good for me. Then I came home and cleaned the house, because I decided a couple of things. First of all, that I would talk to Paul about how I felt. I decided to invite him over after dance class. So I cleaned up quite a bit and then called him on my way to class. He sounded excited about coming over.

Dance class was great. I so miss it- and I'm going to go every chance I get. This teacher will be gone after one month, so I might have to find another teacher... but I realize that in two hours I don't think I sunk into my usual thoughts once. It's necessary for me to move my body and have fun! And it's way more interesting than trying to figure out what gym I should go to...

Then I came home, and cleaned a bit more. I had so many papers and stuff all over, I just stuffed everything into a bag and I'll have to sort it out later. I just feel overwhelmed with clutter, so I put all the boxes, bags, and laundry in one corner. When Paul came over, I just left the light off in that room and he didn't see it anyway!

So yes, he came over. We were just chilling, and he started stroking my arm. I asked, "Can I tell you something?" and he said sure. It took me awhile to get it out, but I said to him, "I just want to tell you... that I like you, I think you are attractive, and a nice guy... but when we kiss... I feel my heart holding back... you know... I'm not saying I expect a serious relationship... but I don't know if it's because my heart is still a little bit broken from my last relationship [okay we all know that, but I was softening that up a bit]... or if we don't have that much in common... but I wanted to be truthful with you... in case you sensed anything."

When I said that part about the broken heart Paul kind of nodded, and then he said that he had sensed something- a sadness about me sometimes, and he guessed it was about a past relationship. He also said that it might be his energy as well. And he went on to explain that he and his last girlfriend broke up due to distance- she lives in South America- so in a way, he's not fully here either... it seems they are still in love but it doesn't work. As soon as he said this I felt relief, and I felt like I realized why I had met him... what attracted us to each other in the first place- of course! We have the same issue. We are both only "halfway here"- both basically in love with someone else, but trying to move on.

It felt so good to tell the truth, and I felt like we were friends after this. We each told a little bit of details about our respective past, and talked about other things too. And then we did kiss, and it was much better- I guess I felt the pressure was off. It is still not an amazing turn on for me, but it's not unpleasant either. And if anything, I feel like we both kind of know that this is not necessarily about creating something lasting, but that we are both kind of in the same place and spending time... maybe we can help each other heal a little bit, who knows.

He gave me a nice massage. It was clear he didn't want to go and he would have been okay with spending the night, but I told him that I was kicking him out at 2am. That was my limit- I just don't want to send the wrong message by letting him sleep over on his first visit. Remember I did that with Wisconsin- ugh.... I have my boundaries now.

So I feel okay. I feel there is an understanding now, and that I'm not keeping anything from him... and I also feel relieved that he is not THAT into me... takes the pressure off.

So from here, who knows. I guess honesty is the best policy though.

And, I need to sleep. It's been a long day.

Love,
Duck

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