Dear Diary,

Just a short note today and then I must be off. Of course I received a call from Steffy regarding keys; and how I had to go pick them up, thus giving me one more thing to do in an already-packed weekend... I am very irked and realizing that yes, this was just too much for me to do... even for a couple of days. I didn't foresee it at the time, but the way my schedule fills up before I go away, I should have known better.

I may be setting myself up for more stress... also, rejection. There are areas in my life I'm feeling a bit snubbed and ignored. I know it's my own stuff, and I always worry I've done something wrong to bring it about, but that's only my own view.

And I realize there is another layer of fear around rejection- I have really put a lot of stock into focusing all this energy on M, getting over M, maybe something happening with M, etc... and I'm thinking if I make this phone call, and it's really over, or there's nothing... what then? I really do not know. It makes me realize how empty my life feels sometimes, how there is a frantic-ness in me that strives to fill it, almost everyday of my life... maybe that is the reason for creating so much stress for myself.

Well, I have to remember several things- that it is really only me, in the end... anyway... anywhere... whether it be here on Diaryland... this diary is for me, about me, so I can't depend on anyone here to fill anything for me, or just anywhere in my life... I am responsible for filling my own life.

Such a mix of sadness, anger, grief and more...

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