Dear Diary,

The last couple of days have been so busy... between work, dance class, all that stuff. Plus yesterday I went to hang out with Marva and Bethany. It was a lot of fun... I began to feel like I finally have friends I can be close to.

Bethany reads cards and she gave each of us an impromptu reading. Without knowing much about me she pointed to being in an obsessive relationship that was never what I thought it was... because I was not generous myself... and that this man would come back into my life but he would be like a wolf in sheep's clothing-promising things he could not fulfill, and it would not work out. Basically all I already know and the worst that I hoped for... I have had similar readings before. But I must be getting better because hearing this I didn't feel completely devastated. And I was told that I will meet someone else. Of course I hear this but I just get impatient, where is the wonderful guy... the one I can really connect to?

And I realize that all readings are snapshots of the moment, like ZZ would always say, "If you didn't do anything differently... this is what would happen..." basically it shows the course you are on, with the knowledge that you can always change it.... And basically this reading is showing me that I am changing but M is not... I don't believe he is doing any personal work but rather just running away as always, maybe partying or whatever, but not really getting to the core of the issue.

At any rate I am feeling more detached, but also a mix of feelings today and I imagine a big one is resentment. Not that I have full awareness of it, but I know it is a hard feeling for me to feel, and usually when I feel "numb" like this, it is a sign that I am really actually feeling angry. It is hard for me to unravel- to other people, it seems so simple- you were disrespected, you should feel so angry! But for me... it's hard to "find" the feeling... I don't know any other way to describe it... other than I numb out when anger comes up. Just the other day Keith remarked how strange it seemed to him that I have not heard from M, when we were so close and he seemed so enthralled by me. So painful I didn't even want to talk about it, and was actually relieved when my phone lost its signal and our conversation was cut off. Phew!

This morning I was awake at a reasonable hour, but feeling exhausted. I have to do laundry but once again I could not bring myself to get motivated- partially the weather and partially my exhaustion- after the weekend, I feel like I just need a break, I want to recollect and recharge somehow... really so tired I feel like I could burst into tears. It doesn't help, really, that I'm supposed to stay at Steffy's tonight, rather that makes me feel a bit of pressure and that I have to figure out more things ahead of time. Stress Stress Stress... I don't like it.

So I guess laundry is not THAT important... most of my dresses I handwash in the sink... but I do need some outfits for yoga... but if I play my cards right I can do laundry on Wednesday or Thursday- most likely Thursday. I have been trying to arrange a meeting with a prospective client, and they canceled our first meeting. Then they were having all kinds of problems with their email and phone system and so they weren't getting my messages about the other dates I proposed... I was hoping we could do tomorrow but they couldn't do that, and suggested Thursday instead... and normally I feel like I have to accomodate everyone else, but really I don't think that is the best thing for me. I have to leave for training on Friday, then I'm off to Petra and Michael's and my training with Serena next week.

All in all I have a lot of packing and preparing to do and I know I have a bad habit of filling my days right to the brim with activities, errands, running around and all kinds of things. What I really need, what would be truly sensible- is to have the whole day Thursday free to prepare for the whole upcoming several days. As much as it feels scary for me to do so, I told them Thursday wouldn't work for me due to my schedule and workload and we would have to arrange a time when I returned.

It's almost as if it's second nature for me to run around and accomodate everyone else, and then I stress myself out... look at me with this Steffy thing... it was a rock and a hard place due to the fact that we have a friendship- it really doesn't make sense for me... but I did it anyway... if I was realistic I should have just said no, no, no. But I am always running, even in terms of friends and hanging out... I always run to meet them and no one ever comes here.

Even now Emily is trying to convince me to come "on vacation" - she said she will give me some of her miles, and I can pick a weekend and come to visit... but truthfully, I feel stressed out just by the thought of planning another trip... and if I go away on another weekend, I feel like I will lose money, since I have been doing well on the two weekends a month I am able to work. I am already going to school two weekends a month and it really pares down my schedule. I have tried to explain this, but no one gets it- least of all Emily- who I guess has always traveled for her job. But she gets paid for all the places she goes.

Everytime I want to respond to her email I feel overwhelmed and like I don't know how to express myself... I actually feel like I have to defend my viewpoint much like I did when Aleda accused me of not being a good friend because I didn't want to go to late-night parties, or because I am self-employed it looked to her like I had plenty of time but was choosing not to spend it with her.

That is the thing- some people may think it seems crazy to refuse "free miles" for a vacation- but the truth of it is it ends up being not that free. For one thing, as a self-employed person, I only get paid when I am working- there are no sick days or vacation payments. I need to be here to make money. When I'm away, no money is being made- that's the bottom line! And even if the plane ticket is free, I still have to pay for transportation to and from airports, food in the airport, as well as food and other incidentals while on vacation.... Emily lives in an expensive area and it adds up. I'm sure if I said that she would say don't worry about it, but then I am on her dime and having to not only do, but eat whatever SHE wants. And that is getting a little old for me. And when I get back I need money to pay rent, utilities, and travel and tuition for school- two separate trainings I am enrolled in- because I am crazy...! Really I am just counting down till the end of the year because then I will only have one more year with Serena, and the other training will be finished.

But all those details, I feel like no one else hears them or whenever I feel confronted I get a little foggy and feel I cannot adequately defend myself. It's very frustrating.

I am frustrated and overwhelmed right now just sitting here writing about it- it feels like my head is going to blow off. I think I just need to learn how to relax and maintain that this is my own life and I know what to do for my own best self-interest, and sometimes that means saying no. It does not involve running around and making myself crazy trying to please everyone else.

And as far as the "free" things go, I am learning that those things are very much not free most of the time. I'm not really interested in visiting the city Emily lives in, I have been there before and hated it. It is not a vacation in my book. Plus when she pays for dinner, it's her choice... right down to what dessert we get... I feel like I have lost my own freedom. And maybe that's what I want now more than anything. Why would I want to take precious days to go to a place that I don't care for? I would be happy to meet Emily someplace else, to see her and spend time with her, in another city I would enjoy more. She knows I hate it there, that's not news to her.

The bank issue- well, I am embarrassed to say but I realized also it was my fault. Going through my records I noticed that I listed my government stimulus payment as being deposited twice- it was actually rolled into another deposit. So I was probably about $300 short on my records. Now I am just in a place that I am not sure if my checks are covered or not- I deposited money on Friday and today- checks and Paypal- but now I am not sure how long that money will take to clear and if my checks are currently covered.... well God, I hope so. This sucks. I am afraid write another check, that's for sure!

Paul didn't call all weekend... I'm wondering if he is just giving up completely, and I couldn't blame him... I mean we did have a nice evening.... after telling the truth... we kissed and stuff... he gave me a massage. But then I made him leave and maybe due to the fact that we are both into someone else (although I'm not sure if I'm in that category anymore) maybe he has just figured that I'm more trouble than I'm worth... who knows. It is not all that upsetting on an emotional level other than it leaves me feeling kind of bored in the sexual arena and that is the real problem- not that I feel major attraction or bonding with him in any way but more that I am tired of feeling so alone.

So what now? I am just going to make the rest of the day about feeling the best that I can... taking it easy... going to dance class... watching DVDs at Steffy's... and going to bed early. I am not going to worry about the bank, or Emily, or Paul, or anything else.... just about me.

For now.

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