Dear Diary,

Here I am at Petra and Michael's. I've had a pain in my back for some months now, pain in my neck, and dizzy spells. If anything, I have realized just how crazy my life has been these past couple of months and that I have to slow down and take care of myself.

Petra and Michael have found their dream house, and this was my first time seeing it. In a way it works out because the last time I visited, I came with M. Now everything is new and instead of constantly being reminded of all we did together, I am in a new location for the most part. But as Petra was showing me the house and continuously emphasizing how happy they are- they love where they live and take lots of vacations, have Michael's kids on the weekends... he buys her all kinds of lovely things and overall spoils her... I am happy for her but at the same time aware of my own sadness, and know that the sadness comes because I want this too. I want a committed relationship like they have- everything- the house and the fun and a man who loves me and wants to spoil me. How long will it be before I have that?

I know that the answer is not to continue asking those types of questions and feeling sorry for myself, but rather to move forward and fill my life as much as possible and create more opportunities and probabilities to have that. I guess more than anything it is about being in the moment.

And the first step would be logically to organize my life in a way that I am not so stressed and crazy. It is not healthy for me to live this way and can have long-term negative effects. I know part of my problem is I took on a lot this year in the way of school... and I have four busy months to go with that, but I cannot continue at the crazed pace I've been going at. There has to be a way, through better organization or a more peaceful state of mind, where I can finish out the rest of the year.

Now I'm going to go for a walk...

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