I just took a three hour nap... oops... I guess it is all good since this is officially my vacation, and Petra and Michael are working anyway. Just goes to show how tired I am!

Mostly I am reading the Power of Now and trying to keep myself in the present... not all upset because I don't have a life like someone else's. Still it is hard because I definitely feel like this part of my life has repeated itself. Four years ago at about this time, I met Petra, Michael and Alphie and I had just gone through the same thing. It took me a long time to get over it, no thanks to being involved with Alphie, and I feel like the whole time I have known these people I have been incredibly depressed... wow they do see me at my worst. And at least Michael met M and saw me happy with someone, Petra never actually met him. Ugh.

Well I know time keeps moving forward anyway, and with this in mind I just need to keep moving and create my future afresh. I do notice that after these last few sessions with Kate I am more apt to entertain the possibility of having someone else in my life- the wanting of M is less and less. And, sadly, I do have a lot of anger about the situation, which I should also attend to. Michael was asking me about Frank last night- now of course all my love for him has been replaced with anger. Sometimes I even think about connecting with him, calling him up and just seeing how he's doing, but then I'll reread my diary from four years ago and just be pissed at how he behaved again. Michael asked me what is the difference, how can I still love M and not Frank- understanding that they are both different people though. He told me that I have very high expectations for people and not everyone is like me- not everyone is interested in having a high degree of integrity, or being courageous in their communications and honest with their feelings. I know this, because M used to tell me this all the time.

I guess I have let go of a lot and gained compassion because that's what I've felt for M most of this time. When anger comes up (at him) it usually doesn't even last very long because I can easily connect it to old feelings. I feel like he did try his best and even when he slipped into acting like a teenager, and avoiding me, I just remember what Eckert Tolle talks about when he says don't confuse the unconscious actions of a person with their true being, their essence.

So don't ask me why I can't do that for Frank. I guess I have a lot of unresolved anger at him, maybe even more than I have for Alphie. Either way I know it's not good for me overall to carry that against anybody.

I suggested to Petra that she and Michael and I take a vacation in January, when my second training is done. I will still have eight months to go with my work with Serena, but that is it so it will give me a lot more free time. I hope we keep that plan since I hardly ever see them, and we do have fun together.

Well, here comes Petra so I have to run.

Later-

Love,
Duck

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