shiny packages and fairy-tale endings [ 2008-08-24, 11:46 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Have been very tired the last few days. Had my class with Serena on Friday, it was good. Even talked to Grace quite a bit in that class, although as usual she didn't say goodbye when she left.

All the gossip (from Petra and Michael, Gail, etc) says that Grace and Alphie have big problems, she is not as happy with polyamory as he is (big surprise) and that when they are visiting Petra and Michael, they each complain about each other and talk about breaking up. Since Alphie's illness he is even less adept at taking care of himself and therefore increases Grace's workload. Unfortunately, she does not see that this is the exact same dynamic she had with her ex-husband... she got the same guy but in a shinier package.

So much for shiny packages.

At times I can console myself by thinking that all this could have been me, and I'm glad it's not. And also that I could have become more entangled/dependent on M and been severely disappointed... so I should count my lucky stars and consider that I am preparing myself for something much better- even beyond what I can imagine. If you've never experienced it, can you really believe that it exists? Just like Grace considers it normal to have a man that takes all her energy and requires constant monitoring and managing... that's why she got the same thing. I could not have imagined a relationship with someone like M before I met him... so he was a nice surprise. It is definitely difficult for me to imagine someone better, but I suppose that could actually exist. We shall see.

Yesterday I saw Nia and Lee and the baby. Nia informed me she is going back to work. I guess this is best for them since they often mention worrying about money. Although it's confusing to me because they will express worry about money, then go spend a big chunk of change on something that's not completely necessary, like a flat-screen TV, or a fancy wine-tasting tour. I guess it's all relative, and depends on what people think is important.

I told Stacey about my plans to move and she is definitely gung-ho about the whole idea. Also Ginny is in full support, because she wants to move also- not to the same area as me but I guess to a nearby state, probably 2 or so hours away by plane. While I was thinking it would take me 1-2 years to transition, both of their attitudes were that I should just get out as soon as possible, that it would be good for me. I started thinking about things I might miss- projects I started, plans I had made... but overall I'm not sure if I will miss a whole lot.

Granted, I do have a nice apartment in one sense, where I live now... but, it's not THAT nice. I wouldn't want to live there forever, it definitely has its problems, and I could never live there with a partner... too small. It's a nice location, and all that. But. I have lived there going on 5 years now... it has served its purpose... what I really want in my life is relationship. I am happy with career and really do not have much stress or fear about where that is going. I feel like I'll continue to grow and just get more successful.

As for people, and friends... I don't know... it is all transient. My friends will be my friends no matter where I live. And, I don't feel particularly attached to someone so much that I couldn't move away from them. The one person I felt a soul attachment to does not even speak to me anymore. He is the only reason I would have stayed. And it looks like that is over.

Although I am aware of some fear around leaving for good. There is still a hope that he will want me back. But, who knows. I may have changed too much, or he may be going in some opposite direction. On one hand, I am afraid of ruining my chances for things happening with us. On another, I could totally imagine myself moving across the country alone. I don't have much of a problem with it, in truth.

And also, the truth is none of my tactics for getting someone back has ever worked. None of the waiting, holding back, prayers, contorting or tricks have ever brought a man back into my life. I pick them for a reason, to teach me a lesson, to show me where I am not loving myself, where I am failing myself and hoping they will pick up the slack in the ways I don't love myself. And time after time I have failed to see this and hoped in some kind of magic- that if I did and said the right thing, I would have a fairy-tale ending. So far, I haven't seen one of those.

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