Dear Diary,

Where to begin, where to begin?

Did I happen to mention that before I left for my trainings, I went and joined that gym? It wasn't that expensive- only $150 for a year. Yesterday I realized that the place is a real hole. I knew the equipment rooms weren't pretty- but even the downstairs, women's locker rooms and bathrooms are lame. Really lame. Like the locks don't work, doors don't close... kinda shitty. Oh well. It probably takes me 20 minutes to get there (once the bus comes...) so it's closer than my old gym, plus nobody is hitting on me (yet).

All the machines are different than my last gym, so I'm not really sure how they work. I made the mistake of asking a guy how to use a machine, and then I realized I should probably ask someone that actually works there. Just because he's a man, doesn't mean he knows what he's doing...

So yesterday I got so much accomplished, even though it was my first day back. First thing in the morning I went to see Kate. I am still having feelings about M that I wish would just go away, but I guess that will take more time. Really I just don't want to care anymore. We did talk about me being ready for it to be "my turn" in terms of having a loving relationship... when I hang out with Delia and Bud, or Petra and Michael, I sometimes just feel terrible.

Afterward I went to the library, then the grocery store, came home and made a salad for lunch. Then I lay in the sun for an hour, and then I went to the gym. I walked on the elliptical for 30 minutes, and did some light handweights. Then home again and I got ready for work.

Unfortunately, I feel like I'm getting my period, and was having crazy cravings for sugar last night. So I ate a couple of things I'm not proud of. I guess it's anxiety coupled with PMS.

I guess every day is a chance to start over.

So, here's an interesting turn of events: Stacey informed me that she is having an affair. Not only that, but beforehand she had a blatant conversation with her husband... basically that since they don't sleep together, she told him that he should find someone to have sex with. Literally, they sleep in separate bedrooms. When I come and stay in the guest bedroom, he sleeps on a mattress in the living room. Yet, he has no intention of divorcing her, and she probably won't ask for that because she is afraid of the effects for her son.

Anyway, so, she met another guy. Sunday I wanted to go to a music festival. Her affair guy, hence to be called AG, was nearby, and met us there. Except Stacey had her kid there, and needed to take him elsewhere because he is little and couldn't sit still and was freaked out by the crowd. So the weird thing was, that left AG and I alone... and I pretty much spent the whole afternoon with him. I genuinely like AG, and feel like this is the type of man Stacey should've been with from the beginning. He's cultured, intelligent, talented, passionate- the whole deal. He was a lot of fun to talk to. At the end of the night, I suddenly realized that I had had such a great time, I felt better than I had in a long time. And it made me think of the possibilities that there *are* other great guys out there and I will meet one someday...

Monday night Stacey invited a few friends over for dinner, including a guy she wanted me to meet... however, everytime Stacey tries to set me up, I am always amazed at how very OFF she is. I knew from the moment this guy walked in, that he was very definitely NOT my type. Not only physically, but just personality-wise. This guy was so conservative, so boring, and let's just say... our sense of humor is quite different. After dinner, the women stayed inside laughing and talking, while the men went outside on the porch, drank bourbon and got stoned. After the guy left, I said to Stacey, "Wow, you really have no clue what kind of guy I like." She said, "Well, I kind of knew, it was more to give him a thrill than for you." To which I said, "When is it going to be about me?"

So much for getting set up. Obviously, any guy that's cool enough for me to date, Stacey will date herself (even if she's married). We have a running joke that she just tosses me her rejects.

Anyway, it's probably for the best that I still don't date anyone right now. Obviously I still can't get it together and move on completely. Paul texted me once while I was gone, but as you know, that doesn't excite me very much. Actually it's just the fact that HE doesn't excite me at all.

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