five complaints [ 2008-09-02, 2:56 p.m. ]

#2

WARNING: Complaining is coming up. Please skip this entry if you don't have the heart for it.

Circumstances are as follows:

1. I have no money. Somehow, by some bizarre happenstance, I completely fucked up in balancing my checkbook, which was in the negatives. So I had to take $200 of my rent money and quickly deposit it into checking. Now I am short rent so I go to ATM to get money out of savings. Savings has SEVERELY dwindled, below the $500 mark. This is ALL the money I have in the world- how did this happen?! I do not know. I really spaced out at some point on my finances. Two clients CANCELED on me on the SAME day so money I was hoping for is NOT there... this week due to the fact that people are just recollecting themselves after a long weekend I have no appointments... so there is no making money, and I literally have NO cash on me. Nothing. It's a little frightening. I have things lined up for next week, but still.

2. Last night I started having the anxiety/depression feelings about M again, the severe ones. That also is a scary thing but I am feeling awfully limited in what I can do about it. I also have to call my therapist and tell her that I will not be able to pay for therapy this week- that if I can pay her next week it will work out, but at the moment I have nothing. I think she will probably say that's okay. I guess I could also bust out my meditation CDs again; a friend also lent me another disc on changing beliefs, and I have some books to read. I wanted to do an intensive series with a hypnotherapist Ginny mentioned, but I know that will cost major money, and ha! we've just established I don't have that at this time... also I REALLY wanted to get rid of my debt this year, and it is sooo very inconvenient that I am having this particular breakdown at this particular time because it has been preventing me from doing so! Dammit.

3. The online dating- as I mentioned before, is it anything other than distraction. I would cut and paste some of what I am dealing with here but everytime I go to POF I am bombarded by IMs. Yes that sounds like complaining but it is very overwhelming to me and I feel like I can't even read my messages or write one back without some guy who only has one line in his profile IMing me and making small talk, when it becomes obvious he has not read my profile at all and are not even compatible. As I said before I guess guys are just excited and I should give them a break. This is an entirely different site than N3rve and I actually see the benefits of paying... that guys who are seriously looking to get matched up invest in the site and if it costs you a certain number of points to initiate conversation, at least they will investigate a bit and see if it actually might work out. But with a totally free site guys are trying to hit any target they see because there is nothing to lose... unfortunately I am one of those targets! Huh.

4. My nose hurts and I don't know if I slept on it.

5. Life in general- I just feel like a big loser and I know I am stuck in a rut... I need to get up off my ass, clean my house, and go to the gym. I need to eat something, do some yoga, and go to bed on time. I need to call a friend and go out, even if it's just to sit and do something "free". I need to revamp my website asap and write an article or blurb or something... I need to move forward and not sit here and mope and think that nothing is going to get better, because then that's exactly what I will create for myself!! Ergghhh... this is so hard.

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