learning something? [ 2008-09-02, 12:51 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

I forgot all the little nuances of online dating, and how it really sucks when one doesn't have good boundaries.

For one, it really sucks when I feel like a have some sort of chemistry with a guy online, and then I call him and get his voicemail, and his voice is... not very manly. Oh Diary, I can't even tell you how disappointing that is!

And I got a lot of pressure from one guy today via chat... he wanted to invite himself over to go for a walk with me... which was too pushy for me. I said I did not want to meet face to face with someone until I knew more about him first. It is irritating that most men are so sparse with their profiles and it is impossible to tell anything about them... they think it is enough that they say they want some kind of relationship, and they like the way a woman looks, so hey, why not? I guess that's how men work- very visual and they just want to get right into it. Women want to feel some sort of connection first...

Anyway... I kept trying to get off the chat and said he should just send me a message with more details, then he said maybe we should talk by phone- I said fine email me your number and maybe I'll call you... he sent the number by IM and then I felt screwed and cornered because all I wanted to do was get away. Then I realized how difficult a time I have just saying no and that I don't want to do that anymore.

At any rate I did go for a walk. I walked all the way to the park and it was full of couples cuddling on blankets. It made me a little sad, missing M. Ugh. I just can't help it. While looking for photos to put on my profiles, I had to go through folders of pics and saw a couple of M. Jeez I realized how much I still love him, even just seeing the shape of his face. I really had SOME kind of connection with him- no doubt. It still feels like a knife in the heart to think that he lives life every day with no desire to see or talk to me... I don't know how it can be.

But... life goes on even with this confusion. And if I am not careful I can ruminate about this all day and really get myself into a funk. So, that is why I am doing this. I don't really believe I am going to find anyone worthwhile, but I am willing to go on lots of dates to distract myself in the meantime.

I came home and got more cramps... a little weird because I was doing so well all day today. I called Red but he didn't have time to talk to me. Then I figured what the hell, I will call the guy from the dating site... I was so sure I wouldn't like him that I had given him a fake name.

Turned out that when he answered he had a better *deeper* voice than the guy I thought I'd really jive with, seemed reasonable intelligent and able to hold a conversation, although he was QUITE dry. Boring, to be exact. I could tell he was very mental without a lot of passion, and finally I asked him about spirituality in his life and he was very clear in that he had NONE. Which made me wonder had he read my profile AT ALL that we had gotten this far and talked for 40 minutes... this is pretty much a dealbreaker for me... I mean, I can't imagine dating anybody or certainly moving into deep relationship with someone that does not believe in the soul... and that was exactly what he said... he does not believe that humans have souls. So we agreed this would not be a good match, and although it seems he was very open to learning more about what I'm about and hanging out and debating/having conversations, that all sounds very boring as I can believe in science AND spirit (I am not religious, I explained- but spiritual...) I don't really think he is going to teach me anything new or convince me that there is no such thing as a divine force in the Universe... basically I couldn't find any juice in it for me, although I did not say that.

We hung up and that was that. Most likely I will never call him again.

I do have several other options, a few guys from each site... three more from N3rve and they are really piling up on POF... but now I feel like I have some better skills in saying that I am not interested. Maybe this is all good practice for learning how to say such things.

I did text Paul but didn't hear back a peep. We know that is not going anywhere but I always feel like I have to be polite.

What am I doing? It is probably all a waste of my energy and I should be focusing on other things. But maybe I will learn something.


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