Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a day of confusions. For one, the night before I called a man I met online- knowing from the beginning that it was not really going anywhere, I think I called more out of boredom than anything else. It was a fun conversation, most of the time, although he seemed especially concerned with how many men I dated from the site. He also asked why I was no longer with my last boyfriend. The questions started hitting too close to home, and again I realized the scope of my heartbreak, and that I am not over M. He probed me about my work, and how I felt about children (he has two young sons). Searching for more questions, this guy also once tried to change the subject by casually saying, "So.... when was the last time you were in love?"

This was too much, and of course I avoided the answer. Because the answer is, I am still IN love. And that is really just too personal a question to ask ANYBODY in a first conversation, btw.

Despite everything, I agreed to have dinner with this guy. Because he is funny, because we could have a conversation. We had already established that there were some severe differences (I like to dance and he refuses to dance in public; our basic temperments- he is more conservative and I am quite playful) and I mentioned several times that if we didn't click, I knew lots of other women I could introduce him to. This is because I already know in my heart that I will never fall for him.

He was extremely respectful in that he had given me his number, but hadn't demanded mine, and even when we agreed to meet for dinner, I asked him to send me the time and restaurant he chose through the online messaging system, but be sure to send it before 3pm, because I'd be leaving the house for the day.

I've been sleeping terribly, only falling asleep around dawn. It's hard to wake up before noon, and oftentimes I've been sleeping late into the afternoon. But I got myself together and checked my profile email, there was nothing there. I checked it several times before leaving and finally wrote, "There was nothing here about dinner or what time to meet, and it's 3pm and I'm leaving now. Maybe I'll call you later."

It was actually about ten after three when I wrote this message, and I had a mixture of feelings. One, I'm sure, though buried, was anger. As a result of fiddling around online and waiting for a response I was late for my therapy appointment. I realized that I was tired of waiting for men... yes this was not a big deal, I don't know this guy, maybe he didn't hear me... whatever... but looking back on my life I realize I have always been WAITING for men, waiting for them to love me, waiting for them to get their lives together, waiting for them to realize that I am the best thing that ever happened to them... this little incidence of waiting just tapped into a sea of rage about waiting.

I went to therapy, where I collapsed into tears, and told therapist about how I have been chatting online, but I don't really want to date any of these men. None of them are interesting to me. I realize I have just been doing this because I feel like I should... that I have been told I have to get on with my life, and put my heart elsewhere. That somehow I really believe I cannot have what I truly want, I have accepted it, like it is a natural law. That I collapse instead of fight, that I do not ask for what I truly desire... instead, I sit back and hope desperately that it will come to me. I remember Kate and I once talking about the fact that in every relationship I ever had, I never once told the man that I wanted a firm commitment. I was always hoping, that by being good, I would get a man to love me and that was the way to get him to commit to me.

I remember when M and I decided to separate, I was laying there in shock and what went through my head was, "But I'm so good!" It didn't make sense. I had been so good, but still hadn't gotten what I truly desired.

Therapist told me that we have to work on my natural aggression, which was lost to me in childhood. The natural urge that tells the child they are entitled to receive, and makes them reach for what they want. This reflex is broken for me. Instead I tend to long in my heart, and all is unrequited.

Due to the circumstances, and what I have told her, therapist believes that M does care for me. We didn't break up due to not being able to get along. If anything, the pull feels strong no matter what. I couldn't tell if it was out of frustration, but therapist recommend... why don't we use this relationship with M as an opportunity to build up this reflex we spoke about? What if I really "claimed" him as mine, and verbalized my desire to be with him? I've been talking about calling him for months, with no action on my part. Because I am scared, because I am terrified of rejection, because I'm not ready, not healed enough yet...

At first I suspected this was a set up. Using M as a way to change myself, but the chances of anything really happening are very slim. And I asked therapist, do you really believe there could be a chance we could get back together? She said yes. Nothing in life is definite, but there is a chance... and how our circumstances have been described, it is not a matter of lack of chemistry or not getting along. "Are you just humoring me?" I asked her in disbelief. I really, truly have trouble in entertaining the thought that I might get what I want...

It's a little insane to me, and I still struggle even as I write this. I have talked to Serena about this topic of not being able to get what I need, about buying into and attached to the model of "can't have", but it has started to become clearer for me in this situation. It is almost fleeting- I start to understand it and then get very confused- wait, what am I saying? I am torn between the model of love as not wanting anything... but desperately wanting... telling myself I should not want... surrendering to everything... and yet never being happy. It is really confusing and may take more time to integrate.

If anything I have realized the complexity and strength of beliefs. This is a belief structure that I have lived with my whole life- as I said- coming to accept it as truth, as natural law. Now my brain is starting to comprehend that it may not be those things at all... just beliefs, and beliefs are not necessarily truth.

I have rented a couple of seasons of Big Love, which is an okay drama. Really at times it's a little over the top, but it made me interested in this type of fundamentalism and what exactly are the beliefs surrounding plural marriage? So I did a little research online, and found out that they actually believe having more than one wife will make you a god, and guarantee a place in the "celestial kingdom." Of course it sounds so wacky, so I ordered some books from the library on polygamy because I wanted to find out more. So currently I am reading "Stolen Innocence," a biography of a young girl that grew up in Warren Jeffs' FLDS compound. It is all about how she was controlled by these beliefs from the time she was born, that this is what God wanted her to do...

And though it may not make much sense as I write it, I could just see a parallel in my life, living with beliefs. The power of beliefs and what we believe is true. This woman believed that God wanted her to submit her personhood to guarantee her a place in heaven. I have believed that it is divine law that I am not supposed to want, and not supposed to have. What is the difference? Could my belief be just as ridiculous as hers?

I left therapist's office confused, scared, and slightly elated. Excited that we had some kind of plan, that I had support in something I wanted very much... petitioning the man I love. But also confused and scared that I was going against nature, that I was foolish for believing any of it- believing my original belief was wrong!, and maybe that it was all just a trick.

I was exhausted afterward and not really in the mood for dinner. Although I was peeved at the circumstances of the day- three o'clock means three o'clock, buddy!- I was also aware that it wasn't really about that guy... I don't really want to be with anyone else, and that's just the way it is, it really doesn't have much to do with who he is as a person or what he does. But I did feel some kind of obligation to him because we agreed to go out. I called Evelina to talk to her about it, and she said I should call him, because there was a set agreement to go out even if we hadn't pinpointed a time and location, but once I spoke to him on the phone I could determine how I felt and decide if I wanted dinner or not.

It was all decided for me as when I called, I just got his voicemail anyway. I said that maybe we could get together after my training, but for now, I was going home.

On my way home I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk and twisted my ankle.... I was wearing my wedge sandals and boy did it hurt. I stopped by Simon's restaurant to borrow some ice, and as usual he was all over me. So I told him that I got back together with M. It is my best insurance, since as long as Simon thinks I am single he will not stop touching me inappropriately or trying to get into my pants, no matter what I say or do. He takes my protests as play and flirting, and my anger as unjustified, as he is just "fooling around" in his eyes. But I've had enough. Jim is remarried with a new baby, and I wanted to visit him too and see his daughter. I should be able to do that without being manhandled.

I totally ditched the dinner thing with Aleda. I just texted that I was still caught up in work, and later I left her a message that I was sorry and maybe we could meet up today. I don't think she really wants to hang out with me one on one anyway, and yesterday I was just too exhausted, not to mention that I didn't have the money to go to dinner. She's not even friends with Steffy anymore either... and I'm not really interested in hanging out with the girls that were out to dinner.

I came home to find three messages from the no-date guy:

at 3:27pm : "Sorry, do you want to meet at ________ at 7pm, pleeease?"

Being all cute about it, but three o'clock is three o'clock, and I'd already left! Duh.

then one at about 6:30ish : "I don't know if I should be heading over to the restaurant now...?"

then one later on after 8 : "Sorry, it would have been fun. So this can be avoided next time, here's my cell number."

Well duh. I was very clear in my instructions and really it's his own fault that the date didn't work out. How was I supposed to get any of these messages after 3pm? Whatever. I didn't even write back because a part of me has just had it with the stupidity and rigamorale of online dating. I will fix it later.

I changed my sheets (finally), put my ankle on ice and took some sleeping herbs, which made me feel funky but did not make me fall asleep. Once again I was up till dawn, and forced myself to get up after only a few hours of sleep. It is the only way to get my sleep cycle back under control... I have to suffer a day of exhaustion.

And that is what I shall do...!

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