This morning my first thought upon waking was, "I hate my life. And I hate myself."

I don't know where all my optimism went. But it's gone. I cried my eyes out, I'm exhausted, having barely slept, and I could probably sleep the day away, but that would just keep me on the wrong track, up all night. I just have to exhaust myself until I crash.

I don't really see the point in my life right now. I don't really see the point in living. I used to have passion and care for things- desire to see places, to spend time outside, whatever else. I don't feel that anymore. I don't have the urge to go anywhere or do anything. I don't feel any attachment to any person that makes me want to be here. I would be happy to be done and never wake up.

Logically my brain tells me that this cannot be because I was rejected by one person, but rather that I am connecting to my "pain body" as Eckert Tolle calls it- that sea of old feelings that has been re-ignited by this most recent situation. But it matters to me less and less. I just don't think I can bear this much longer. Something has to shift, for real. There is no joy in my life, only distractions. I don't get it- there is no joy in my being here... maybe I don't feel connected to anything or the everything and that is my problem... but I don't know how to get there and I am just exhausted.

I know that a few weeks ago, I could envision myself moving away and starting a new life. But today, it just feels like I cannot tap into that place. It feels unbearable.

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