Dear Diary,

I should be packing now, but of course procrastination is my middle name...

Friday night I went out with Ginny. I kind of wanted to talk to her about where I am at, how depressed I feel and how scared I am to initiate any kind of contact with M. But she had two glasses of wine and aside from being very into her own shit and talking about herself non-stop, she also became somewhat belligerent. When I casually mentioned that I had hung out with Marva a few weeks back, she proceeded to rip Marva to shreds, saying she didn't like her and didn't trust her. I have a different experience of Marva, but okay. I tried to introduce the idea that *maybe* it was Ginny's stuff that was clouding the issue, but she just continued to bad-mouth my friend.

Saturday was rough. I felt really awful, and stayed home and cleaned the house. Later in the afternoon I walked to the closest market and bought cake mix and eggs with my credit card... because I haven't had any cash all week! I stayed up till midnight or so making and decorating the cake and cleaning the house.

Sunday I woke up early for work, only to another cancellation. They are still sending me a check, but I won't have the money until the mail comes in. Crap!

I had plans to spend the day with Marva and Bethany. They came over (hence the reason for all the cleaning) and we were hanging out having a pretty good time, until Marva's work called and she had to go in. It sucked, because it cut our day short. But I was enjoying myself until then. I had to get myself together to go to work soon after that, and that was that....

Today I saw Kate, and also therapy on the same day! Kate was very nice to me as usual. I told her that I was still hung up on M, and feeling judged by other people about it. She was nice enough, and both she and therapist look at this as an opportunity to just keep on moving forward and working with whatever energy M represents- all my fears of rejection and loneliness and whatever. Therapist had me work on envisioning what I could have and what could be "mine", and also that I have the right to have things- my own space, property, relationships... it is a hard concept for me to grasp sometimes, but I'm working on it.

I finally had a check to cash, so I was able to have some lunch today, and do some light shopping in preparation for leaving for my training tomorrow.

I actually felt good walking out of therapy, and feel much better than I did on the weekend... so, moving forward... I'm tired, but tomorrow is another day.

Love,
Duck

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