Hi Diary,

A little update on the Alphie situation. For those that don't know or have only started reading recently, Alphie was a guy that I picked up with after Frank broke up with me. For almost two years I was in a bizarre sort of casual/polyamorous/up-and-down relationship with Alphie where I often felt used, unseen, and disrespected; but I also had a hard time breaking away because there was definitely some good times and some way there were I was hoping I would get what I needed.

So, the update:

You may remember that I mentioned that I had called Alphie and left him a message inviting him to have dinner with me today. He responded with a text message that said he appreciated the offer, but couldn't.

I then texted him, "Do you want to talk?"

HIM: "Is that trick question?"

ME: "No, it's a serious question."

HIM: "I was under the impression that there was a boundary up that I was to stay away from you and am wondering if you are wanting to remove or change the request?"

When I read that, I was like, dude, what the fuck? Alphie does not usually talk like that, and more than anything I felt like he was fucking with me. How much more obvious could it be, that I had asked him to meet me physically, requested a conversation, etc? But then I figured, well, hey, he is being clear, which is something new... Alphie has severely suffered in the realm of communication, so perhaps I should be thankful that he is actually clarifying things.

My response: "Yes, I am initiating communication with you."

A day later, today, I got this text: "Hmm, I don't know, Duck. This doesn't really feel clean to me. I truly appreciate the thought. I also love the idea of being free to go to Serena's without having to worry about upsetting you. I do however feel that it would be best to reassess our friendship options. I think we should wait until you finish your second year of Serena's training first."

Holy shit. For one thing, I have never seen Alphie text or type so much. For another, what the fuck? Now I knew he was definitely fucking with me.

First, of course, I had to doubt myself for about 30 seconds. What were my motives? Really, I just want to be able to be in my group of friends without friction, and now I feel like I have an adequate view of the problems with my boundaries, so being around Alphie wouldn't be so difficult.

I told Serena about the exchange, and she said that only I could determine what my motives were and if they were "clean". But she pointed out that the bottom line was that Alphie doesn't trust me. That's what he's really saying.

It all clicked into place. Rather than feeling hurt and rejected, which would have implied I had an ulterior motive, instead I felt a surge of anger. Was Alphie accusing me of having an ulterior motive, of my initiation as unclean? Was he insinuating that I had to "do more work on myself" before I could talk to him? He had phrased it in a way where he was more "advanced"... he had to worry about upsetting me, and suggest that I get more training... instead of talking directly from a place in himself- such as, saying, "I have bad feelings about you asking me to stay away from you, I don't trust you, and I don't want to talk."

But then I realized that this is how Alphie has always been- rather than take any responsibility for himself or express how he is truly feeling, he makes it THE OTHER PERSON'S FAULT. Indeed, if you read my diary, you will see how this happened over and over again... that Alphie can never be wrong, never be vulnerable, and everyone around him must uphold his own view of himself as perfect.

I went through quite a bit of anger about it, then remembered that he is usually just a stand-in for my mother... and maybe my father sometimes... and all the ways that they were not authentic with me and defining me. Realizing that Alphie does the best he can with his limited skills, and really, he has not changed much at all... and more than anything, I should be grateful to see how little he has changed before letting him back into my life. He is still putting the onus on the other person.

One additional point: Alphie seems to forget the day a couple of months ago when I saw him in the driveway at Serena's and gave him a hug and thanked him for respecting my space. I could tell he was obviously freaked out, even though he had that classic Alphie smile on his face. Could it be that HE'S the one with the problem??? Hmm? Did he forget that I didn't seem the least bit upset when he was there? His text seems to imply that I don't know my own mind, or what's good for me. Another point: the fact that I originally CALLED Alphie, but all he would do was text me back, shows that he is avoiding the confrontation of speaking to me. Text and email are the coward's best friend, in my opinion.

So, I trusted my instincts: I knew Alphie was avoiding communication with me and I knew he would never pick up the phone. So I simply called and left him a message, which went something like this: "Hi Alpie, I got your text, and what I want to say will probably be too long for a text, so I'm just leaving you a message. I understand that you don't feel like it's good for us to hang out. I just wanted to let you know that I feel pretty clear and that I won't be upset by you being at Serena's. But I understand that you don't want to so I'll give you space with the same respect you gave me. And since we haven't spoken, I don't know how you feel, but I wanted to apologize if any of my actions hurt your feelings. I know when someone asked me to give them space, it hurt my feelings. And I just wanted to reiterate to you that it really has nothing to do with you- that I was really clear that I needed to work on my stuff, and actually in order to save any friendship or connection we had, I needed to do that alone and not make anything about us or you. And, I'm really grateful for so many things we've shared and how much I've learned knowing you and spending time with you. I know we'll talk in the right time, whenever that is. Till then I hope you are taking good care of yourself. Bye."

And that was that.

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