Dear Diary,

I have been suffering from a sore throat ever since about 6pm yesterday evening. When I talked to Red last night, he suggested that it's because of the whole Alphie thing that happened yesterday, and that I'm not being heard. Well this might be true. But now I don't really ever expect to be heard by Alphie. His communications show me he is just the same, and I am not really honored in our relationship as a friend- my definition of friend, anyway. David and Thomas even asked me, "Why are you calling this person your friend, when you say he's always treated you like this?"

I try to have harmony with most everyone, but I guess sometimes it's just not worth it. So I've done my best, shown up as my best self, and now I just let it go... although last night I did call Marva and confide the whole story to her, just because I needed a girlfriend to bounce it all off of. Marva was very supportive and agreed that it was all good that Alphie revealed himself to be unchanged.... now I didn't have to get sucked into his stuff ever again. I am getting smarter....maybe!

Oh yes... something I forgot to mention... in an email a couple of days ago, Petra mentioned that "Alphie and Grace are engaged again". I never knew they were engaged the first time! But sure enough, in class yesterday, I noticed Grace had a shiny diamond ring on her finger. She didn't mention anything to anyone and I didn't bring it up either, even though we talked a little in the morning. Oh well. I guess I won't be invited to the wedding! But really it is probably more of a funeral for Grace... she is marrying a man that sleeps with other women on a regular basis, doesn't tell the truth or express his feelings, and runs up massive amounts of debt. That doesn't sound very enticing to me!

Also, I called Paul the other day. I had texted him when I returned from my last training, but he never responded. I called to invite him to a party I'm going to a couple of weeks from now... when he answered the first thing he said was, "Hey! I was thinking about calling you!" Really. Just thinking about it, I suppose... then he informed me that he wouldn't be around for the party, because he is moving to Canada for 3 or 4 months for a work project. ??? Which was curious, was he planning on calling me AFTER he moved to Canada? Not sure. He said, "What are you doing later? I'll call you." But he never did... which is fine, because, hey, that relationship had no juice from the beginning.

I am certain that M is seeing someone else- something I have inferred from my cards, again and again. But surprisingly, it doesn't upset me that much. I'm not sure why- probably because this was one of the options I discussed with Kate. But, realistically, I know that he needs other experiences. And today, anyway, I do have enough confidence in myself as a unique, loving human being that he can go ahead and compare what it's like to be in relationship with someone who may not be like me. The cards also say this is not a happy union, although it gets confusing because it may actually be long-term.

I still feel like I have a lot to work on in regard to myself before I call him.... yes, I still have the intention of calling him. But I have to get myself straightened out first. I still have tremendous anxiety, fear, and I'm sure neediness that grows out of that. Yesterday Serena was talking about obsession, which I was definitely interested in hearing about. Serena said obsession can either be considered a habit, or unfinished business. I know that I definitely have the habit... the habit of being upset... even when I realized my intuitions were true, and M is seeing someone else, I wasn't that upset but I was kind of surprised I didn't feel upset and was searching for some way to be upset about it... that shows it's a habit!

But I asked Serena, "What about dreams?" because as you know I dream about M practically every night (just had a dream about him a few nights ago where we were both in bed naked and I was telling him he has a beautiful body...). Serena said, "Oh, then you're working on something... unfinished business."

This made me feel somewhat better because it shows that it's not ALL obsession... that perhaps M and I have some kind of soul contract and it is being worked out... that means it is in divine order and one way or another it will get resolved. To me, this gives me a great deal of peace, although I don't know if it makes any sense to you!!

It was also good to hear other questions from people in the class and realize that other people get obsessed too- it's not just my dirty little secret- everybody has them!

So I think that's it for the loose ends today. Most likely I'll be updating later...

[previous] [next]