one step at a time [ 2008-09-12, 4:22 p.m. ]

#2

I can very easily get sucked into the vortex of doing nothing... Nia and Lee had to go to a wedding, so I am alone in their house. It's the same as when I am home- anxiety and depression, etc... hmmm pretty interesting that this is my life. Particularly as I would always describe myself, previously, as a happy person. I guess when we are knee-deep in our stuff we really can't see ourselves!

Anyway I hate it when I feel needy. Most recently I feel like I have peeled away another layer of stuff and I am staring straight into the Darkness of Duck- all the stuff I really don't like about myself. The fact that I have so much underlying fear and anxiety. The fact that I have a whole lot of anger inside, but I project sweetness on the outside. The fact that I have trouble asking for what I want, and yes, I do occasionally use manipulation (i.e., sweetness) to get it instead. The fact that things I took to be perfectly normal for me, are actually quite dysfunctional and unhealthy... ways of thinking and belief systems. The fact that I live a fucked-up existence of isolation, compulsive eating and self-abuse, while most people in my realm of my contact have absolutely NO idea about that...

When I see this it feels so overwhelming, but I know awareness is a big piece of it all. I can't get all anxious about it right now... I have to take everything one step at a time.

And even this makes me realize that maybe I am just not ready for relationship, unless it is a relationship that really supports me in healing all this...

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