Woke up and wrote an entry right away today, but cyberspace ate it.

It was because I had a dream... that I was in M's house, I went to see him, and while I was there I was my usual snoopy self. First I went down to the kitchen to see if my photo was still on the refrigerator. It wasn't. Then I noticed some notes on his dresser, about other women- their likes and dislikes, something that he would have written while talking to women on the phone, so he would remember things about them.

Still this was not really upsetting. The remaining part of my dream consisted of me having to go (far away) and get my mattress and bring it back to M's.... dragging it through filthy streets, over bleeding homeless people, and, oddly enough, through carnival rides. At one point I was pulling my mattress along through a bright yellow carnival ride with red trim, and bumped into a man who was injured. I had to call outside to find someone to help. There were other people on the ride and they were shouting too, but mostly in Spanish and other languages, so no one could understand us. Finally a man stopped and looked specifically at me, and I managed to tell him that this person had a gash on his upper left thigh and we needed to get him a doctor. Dragging this mattress around, I was aware that the time I had to spend with M was being occupied by this task, but I also didn't feel a sense of urgency or neediness around being with him.

On the whole, I woke up feeling pretty good, actually happy, that I got to see M. I didn't feel that disappointed about the other woman thing, just as in life. I think I must go visit him every night in my dreams, and I don't really care what the images are as long as I can spend time with him. I can't quite discern the meaning in this dream, I just know I was happy that M was in it.

So, yesterday in therapy I talked about how I am pretty sure M is seeing someone, but I didn't really have much of a reaction to that and actually it didn't really change much for me. I did notice a numbness creeping over me during the weekend and I start questioning wanting M at all. We talked about this being part of my defense. I start to want something, but I get so freaked out about wanting it and asking for it that I numb out all feelings about it. So we are still working with that, my feelings of entitlement and deserving.

One thing I feel is that I need to be "perfect" before I can see M again. I need to work on my baggage, get myself in order, and make sure I am not needy and not going to collapse. I need to lose ten more pounds and make sure my skin looks nice... it feels all so overwhelming that it almost feels that I should give up. Therapist says that's how I sabotage myself. So we worked on talking about how I don't have to be perfect to have somebody believe I'm desirable. After all, M is not perfect, and I love him regardless... even though I've been trying to talk myself out of that for a week...

Just returned from the dentist, where I had yet another filling on the same troublesome tooth. It's days like this that I truly love my dentist. He knows I get worried when any shots or drilling are required and he is always extra nice and caring... he tells the assistants, "We're going to take very good care of her," and he checks in with me constantly throughout the whole process. I feel relieved because nothing freaks me out more than sharp instruments in my mouth. But now, I'm waiting for the feeling to return in my face... I hope it happens before I leave for work!

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