Dear Diary,

Dreams this morning- of M- that we were meeting at his house. In true Duck fashion, I was a bit of a snoop, and went down to the kitchen to see if my picture was still on the fridge. It wasn't.

I also noticed notes on his dresser, about another woman. The kind of thing he would have doodled about her likes and dislikes during a phone conversation so he would remember them...

So through these noticings, confirmation that he is seeing someone else, however it doesn't really deflate me.

The rest of the dream consisted of me going back (to where, I'm not sure) to get my mattress, and dragging my mattress back to where M was... quite a journey... over filthy streets, homeless bleeding people, and, oddly enough, through carnival rides... at one point there were fireworks in the sky, and I saw Craig (Gail's counterpart) fiddling with a Mac computer, somehow messing up the fireworks... and in dragging my mattress through one particular carnival ride, bumping into a man and realizing he was injured. I began to call to the side that we needed some help, and there were several others on the ride that started to call out too, but they were all speaking Spanish and other languages so it was impossible to understand us. Finally a man approached and looked at me to find out what was what, and I told him this man had a gash on his upper left thigh and needed a doctor.

My immediate feeling on waking was one of happiness, just for the pure fact that I had seen M again. Although toward the end of the dream I was lollygagging and had actually realized at that point that here I had a chance to spend time with M and I was spending most of that time dragging a mattress on the streets, but I wasn't actually that upset about it.

Curious.

Petra has turned me on to a natural sleeping aid. It definitely makes me drowsy within an hour of taking it, and seems to make me sleep much more deeply. For the first time in years and years, longer than I can remember, I actually wake up feeling fairly rested. I bought a three month supply, which arrived the day before yesterday, so I've had a couple nights of fairly decent sleep.

Things have been slow at work, and I hope it will be improving soon. Yesterday I went to therapy. We talked about my latest realizations, and now about the fact that I feel I really don't know what I want... it seems my desire to have M has somewhat dampened, but we talked about that being my defense. As soon as I think I know what I want, and the possibility I might get it, I somehow squash my desire. So we talked about that as well, and how therapist thinks that no matter what, the fact of me feeling like I deserve, and asking for what I want, is very important.

So we'll keep on working on that, apparently. The whole thing is overwhelming at times, but I will do my best.

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