Well Diary,

Thanks to stargirl for checking in on me. I really didn't mean to be gone this long. Things just got a little out of hand, I suppose...

First of all, the last time I wrote I managed to get through the day and through the night. B and I went out for a very late dinner, then he came over and talked me through some stuff. He stayed till almost 4am. I told him he could stay over if he wanted, but he elected to go home and actually I'm glad he did. I don't much care for houseguests.

The following day I did as much homework as I could, and went to Gail's house. We hung out a bit and then went and picked up Sandra at the airport. Her flight was two hours late, and we were exhausted when we finally went to bed.

The training this weekend was great, of course you know I like it even more because Craig is no longer there. Actually I was a bit shocked that Gail and Craig stayed broken up this long, but by the end of the weekend she was calling him her boyfriend again.

Although it frustrates me, because I think he is a jerk and he annoys me, I can see the other side of it, because I am in love with M and most of my friends don't think he's any good for me either. They all have their own opinions of him and feel I can do better, I suppose, but I continually feel that they don't really KNOW him like I do. Maybe I am too accomodating and forgiving, who knows...

At any rate, I chose to stay over at Gail's on Sunday night too, instead of going home like I normally do. I guess Gail and Sandra usually party after every training weekend. I broke all my rules, and ate so much sugar, cheese and bread, as well as smoking pot. I guess I am just at a critical breaking point of some sort. I felt disgusting by the end of the weekend- fat and gross. Eating that way is definitely no good for me and getting stoned only makes me hungry. I get more reserved and paranoid and I just want to eat everything.

More than anything I realized that I am greedy and I am afraid. Sandra and I went shopping and decided we would split the cost on salad items, meat and cheese. Then we had our personal items, mine included some goat cheese and fancy olives that I wanted for myself and didn't want to make her pay for them. But the next day Sandra was making a salad and I saw her opening my cheese and she asked, "Do you want me to put the olives on the salad?" All in all I probably paid less than $10 for the items, but I was freaking out. I realized it would be petty to say, "Those are mine, don't eat them," because she wasn't eating them ALL, and also, Sandra and Gail are always very generous and share all their food with me- not to mention the pot, and the fact that Gail gives me a place to sleep and shower every month, rents movies for us, lets me use her cosmetic products when I forget mine, etc. And I hated myself for getting so upset about eight bucks worth of olives and cheese. Even so it threw me into a spin and I ended up eating almost a whole bag of cookies that Sandra and I supposedly bought together. The next time she went and looked in the bag, there were only about two cookies left and she said, "Wow, look how many cookies are left. There didn't seem to be so many in here." And she gave me one intending to split it.

The whole thing makes me feel disgusting and cheap... like a greedy pig. Rationally I know that it is indicative of some fear in me that there is not enough. I hate that feeling and I hate the terror of it. I hate my secretive eating and this never-ending hunger. I do so well eating my salads and healthy foods for months at a time and then it's like I sabotage myself by going on a bender. And for Sandra it's no big deal, she wanted to be fair and give me a cookie but I probably ate all those cookies behind her back because I felt like I had to even out the score with the olives and cheese. That's how sick and fucked up I am.

And Gail put on music and just started dancing around and being sexy and in her body and the more she danced, the more I was afraid she would call me out to dance with her and I felt more and more uptight. I want to be like her in that respect, open and free and comfortable being sexy. Sometimes I feel so unhappy and fucked up. Especially watching her and feeling less than.

The next day we all went to the mall, and after some time I realized it was the same mall that M had taken me to a couple of times. With everything I recognized I felt like I was being stabbed in the heart- the store where he bought me shoes, this or that. I was also terrified that we would turn a corner and I would see M walking toward me. I am just so not ready for that!

The girls were too hung over to do much shopping, so thankfully we left. They wanted to go out to eat at a pretty lame chain place. I ended up spending more money than I should for lunch... $20 that could have bought me a chunk of groceries rather than a pasta dish. Also when the bill came Gail wanted to split it three ways... I pointed out that I didn't drink any alcohol at lunch. I felt like I was being cheap, but I don't drink and I don't like it when people do that. Maybe I should have let it blow over, because, as I said, Gail gives me a lot, but I had already given her $20 for the extra food I ate at her place, and I was really uncomfortable about splitting a bill with drinks on it- I certainly don't want it to become a habit.

At any rate I headed home feeling shitty, cheap, and fucked up... kind of wondering if I looked really petty in front of Gail and Sandra but what can you do. I know I have to look at my own issues about having enough. And I also know that if Gail is upset she will just tell you in the moment and not hold it in, like Grace.

And anyway, Gail is all fucked up about Craig because she decided to trust him again, but then he lied about something and there you go- more drama. So Gail has been calling me twice a day for the last couple of days to try not to slide back into being with Craig. The latest crisis is that Gail is scheduled to go to a really great seminar in a couple of weeks. She was truly looking forward to it and excited. Well today Craig called her and said he is going to the seminar too. It's just his way of worming himself back into her life... although he says it's for himself and he wants to learn something... it's a total Craig ploy. Gail is naturally upset and now she says she will go with him, to "keep an eye on him". I don't think this is a good idea at all and he will ruin her weekend, but I have to respect her own process. Like I said, I hate it when people don't respect how I feel about M, so I just have to believe that there is something here for Gail to learn with Craig and she will figure it out on her own.

Yesterday I got an astrology reading. I needed to do it because I feel like I need some perspective on what is going on with me and M. Is it all on my side, is there something wrong with me? Am I just too needy?

Well astrology lady said no, there is definitely karmic shit going on with us and she feels like it's not necessarily "over" for us but also that he's not necessarily "the one" for me either. She was incredibly nice and at least made me feel less defective. In reality she doesn't believe that anything will happen in my love life till February... either M coming back or I will meet somebody new. So I guess I can do a lot of work between now and then. She said that M will be going through some MAJOR shit in the next two years but it will really change him as a person and maybe if he plays his cards right, he can get himself together. She also said that by looking at his chart she had no doubts that he was thinking about me, and probably feeling like he wanted to reconnect with me but was waiting for the right time (sound familiar?).

I did however ask her when would be the best days to contact M if I wanted to, the times that would be the best possibility for something good to happen. She pointed out some times in October and November, and said she would email me the dates. She also said a lot of things about M that were very accurate, like he wants to love me but he stops himself, he wants to do things but he stops himself. I guess because of the way his planets are lined up, she could see it all in his chart! She told me that he believes he doesn't deserve love, but he has to transcend his chart and be a man and go after things. Because of the way things are laid out for him, and me, and what I represent for him, the best thing would be for me to let him know that the door is still open, then give him plenty of space to pursue me.

This makes sense and now I feel like I have a little more information. Calling him up and professing my love for him will be too heavy, but being breezy, and sexy, and weird like I am is the better thing. Her reading concurred with my own intuitive sense that M is seeing someone else but not happy. Something to do with the Saturn planet. She said that most likely he had committed to another woman but it felt restrictive and uncomfortable (like his marriage) whereas for him I represent freedom and love and permission.

Well it was all interesting to know and made me feel better. Not only that it is a possibility M and I can be together again, but that in five years I will have a really big "drop me to my knees" kind of love. Maybe with M, maybe with someone else. I guess you'll all have to read me in five years to find out.

Afterwards I met Emily in town. She is here briefly on business. I haven't seen her in such a long time, we went and had our toes painted and then to our favorite restaurant (she paid of course). Honestly I was happy to see her. The maitre'd of the restaurant gave us free champagne again and was very flirtatious. Emily actually gave him my number when we were leaving. He texted me, "Hey leave a night or two open so I can take you out for a drink."

What the fuck. Is this all guys do now? They text and don't call? It's so lame. Anyway I was a little drunk, no doubt, and this morning when I woke up I felt like, ugh, what did I do, I don't want to go out with that guy! Anyway I'm sure nothing will happen because he will probably just keep texting me and never call or make a move. We've already been through this.

So that brings me to today, the fact that I haven't paid my rent and need to get it together, and go to work... and hopefully then I will be able to do just that...

Damn.

Love,
Duck

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