#2

Okay I just ate a whole box of (healthy) cookies. Whatever. What can I do for myself? Who knows?

I should be going to bed now, so I'm going to go take some of those sleeping pills.

The high point of the day was going to therapy. It wasn't at all what I expected. I talked about work the most. What came up was that more than anything I want freedom. I don't want to be bogged down by any kind of schedule. Therapist pointed out that it was pretty hard to create a big income in my life when my primary focus was on not feeling trapped. Kind of like I'm focusing on the wrong part of what I need.

Later on I realized that my independence and freedom is SO important to me... right up to the point where I can't stand for someone to be telling me who I am. And then I thought, how is it possible for me to create a relationship with someone when I am so on guard about my freedom?

And then we talked for a bit about my astrology reading and how it made me feel. And how it felt to try to talk to Red about it.

What happened when I told Red about my reading was that he said some negative things about M, and it really upset me. I already feel shitty enough struggling with this on my own, judging myself for still having feelings for him. But Red said those things and I sensed he was really angry and I told him so. He replied by saying, "Well, he didn't show up."

What happened for me was that I felt another door closing for me... another place where it's not safe or okay for me to express my honest and authentic feelings. And that's really what I want. It goes back to the freedom thing... I want the freedom to feel everything I honestly feel. And all I want is for the people in my life to give me that space.

It seems to be a hard thing for people to give.

I guess this experience increases my understanding and ability to do that for other people.

Therapist said that was her job, and I could let people know what I needed from them as well.

Sounds like a tall order.

But therapist assured me, "It's okay to love him. He's worthy of that unconditional love."

And I said, "Everybody is."

No wonder I'm so tired after therapy and all I want to do is come home and lie in bed.

I finally talked to Petra on the phone. I really wanted to tell her the whole deal with Alphie because she knows him personally and has experienced his selfishness firsthand. See, I forgot to tell you the latest twist in the Alphie story. After that whole text-messaging thing back and forth, and my phone call putting it to rest, I thought it was done. But this weekend I got a voicemail from a woman who said she was now working with Alphie, and she wanted the format for my programs so they could use them for what they were collaborating on.

I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Basically, Alphie and this woman want to copy MY hard work, programs and presentations I put together myself. And Alphie's not even speaking to me, remember? Apparently I am supposed to "do more work on myself" while we "reassess our friendship options", yet he has the BALLS to have his colleague call me and ask me to hand over my work?!

Alphie gives new meaning to the term "a user and a loser" and now I see that I am so, so, blessed not to have him in my life.

Love,
Duck

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