Dear Diary,

Well I am feeling quite frustrated about life and it's mixed messages.

But let me start at the beginning.

Gail asked me to come with her to look at an apartment; she wants to move because she doesn't like where she's living now. Also, she is still at odds with Craig and it seems that if she is left to her own devices, she continues to let him back into her life.

So I took an early bus to see Gail and we went and looked at the place. It was not really fitting for her and it smelled pretty terrible; so that was out. We went back to her place, ate salad and talked about a lot of things. Then we watched a movie and went to sleep.

I must have slept 12 hours off and on, dreaming and dreaming. Had breakfast and then Gail dropped me off at the bus. I encouraged her to stay strong regarding Craig. More than anything I see that he has been saying some things that are kind of twisting her brain around quite a bit. She doubts herself, feels jealous of him and that if she lets him go he will have a "better" life than her... I guess it is hard for her to see that Craig is actually an idiot, and I mean that... I mean he's not very intellectually smart at all, like everyone he has some good qualities but he is a manipulative person that only believes he knows more than he does. He tells Gail that he loves her, but he badgers her and interrogates her with his jealousy and accusations. We all know he drives me crazy, but now I see how messed up Gail is inside. I always thought she was so strong, but now I see how much she doubts herself when she is with him. I've only known Gail since she's been with Craig... and the way she describes herself before she met him... well, stronger, and more together.

I feel like we'd all be better off if Craig were out of the picture- but maybe that's just me. I know I experienced similar feelings about M... I worried that he would just find someone else and move on and have a happy and easy life while I remained miserable and alone. That's what Gail is going through now.

I texted back and forth with Emily on the way home and met her for brunch as soon as I got back to town. She was already eating with a friend of hers from work, a guy I'd met briefly at Em's farewell moving party. It was okay, but they talked about work so much, and I couldn't follow it, I don't know any of the people and that part for me was a little boring. But hey.

Afterward we went over to Emily's cousin's house, where she stays when she is visiting here. Wine and cheese and conversation. Emily is going on vacation with her boyfriend- the greasy guy- I still have never met him. She also said that she has been on the pill for 6 months and now she is going off. I said, "Well, you have taken care of birth control for 6 months, so now he can take care of it for the next 6 months." Emily seemed all confused, like, what can he take for that? I was like, duh, he can wear a condom. She seemed a little disappointed in that but I am still amazed- how stupid is she? Again, we are back at this point that is doesn't occur to her that the alternative to oral birth control is condoms... or I guess IUDs or something more complex. But instead she acts like there is NOTHING else to do... and she has no other choice than to have unprotected sex.

And it's not just her. I found out last night that Marva too has been having unprotected sex with Ben. Ben, who is Marie's "boyfriend" of sorts, but they have an open relationship. Marie sleeps with Alphie. Alphie sleeps with everybody. Ben sleeps with everybody, and he also sleeps with Marie so it's just like he's sleeping with everybody Alphie sleeps with. I'm sorry but... ew.

And here is another intelligent, somewhat sensible woman that seems to have lost her mind. Marva assures me Ben has a "clean bill of health" I guess because he got a few blood tests. Well I don't buy it, because meanwhile he's still fucking everybody so it's not like he's exclusive with her... so he got a blood test a month ago, there are some diseases that take time to show up on tests, and meanwhile he is still coming into contact with all kinds of people.

Whatever. I guess both Marva and Emily are going to do what they are going to do. I know I have my own judgments about it because I feel it's irresponsible on so many levels. I guess that is my problem. They can do whatever they need to do.

Several months ago, I ran into a colleague of mine and she introduced me to her boyfriend. I guess I found something attractive about him. For one, he has the same name as M. For another thing, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. He has a similar posture and body type as M. Well he started messaging me last week, and then asked me if I wanted to meet up. I said okay. I guess I didn't much consider why, but it started to feel that he was attracted to me.

So last night we met up. When I first saw him, I realized he wasn't as attractive as I had made him up to be. Of course I am comparing him to M, but whatever.

So we talked a lot. This guy, I'll call him Elliot (or should I call him M2?), is also into the same sport that M is into. And has the same name. But he seems a little less neurotic, and working on himself a lot more. And, because my life tends to go around and around in circles and I end up in the same places and situations with different guys... of course we ended up in the one of the same restaurants that I went to with M on our first weekend together.

I am confused. I don't know why this person is in my life, and why he has the same name and so many similarities to M. I don't think he's relationship material for me. It seems he is another one of these polyamorous people. I am not into it. I already did that with Alphie, as you know. I cannot trust Elliot with my heart. I have a hard time being superficial and casual with guys, that is the way it's always been and everytime I've tried to go against that, I am sorely disappointed. So I just know better.

I thought maybe it would be okay to fool around on some level and not actually have intercourse. I have done that before and that seems to keep me from falling in love with the guy and getting all messed up.

I tried to talk to Red about it, but once again, he has been making some comments and things that make me feel like he has a lot of unresolved anger about something. He has a lot of judgment about M, and an impatience it seems for my feelings about M. He put down my thoughts about fooling around with this guy by saying, "Well that's not what you want," kind of like with the attitude that I have to wait around for the "One" and be completely nonsexual and alone until then? Maybe because that's what Red does to himself. He is angry at himself because his last girlfriend was so in love with him, but he just couldn't receive it and got all squirrelly (much like M, which explains why he has no patience for M). He is waiting for the right woman to show up and doesn't really date or do anything with anyone else, so I guess he expects that I should do that too.

It feels like a judgment. Red only talks about me moving on and that being with M again is a useless dream. Because I have been working on myself and he assumes M hasn't done anything. Kind of like I am "ahead" of him now and now we can never be together. Might be a clue into Red's thinking... kind of a competitive thing. "Now I have done my work so I am better than you", type of thinking.

I don't know. Maybe I am delirious and obsessive about the whole thing. Although Marva says that the fact that I dream about M so much shows that he is connected to me somehow. I would like to believe that he cares about me. I would like to believe what the astrology lady said, that there is a chance for us... and maybe I could be completely wrong about that. And the truth is that I don't know what M is doing, nobody knows but him, and the people in his circle. Red is angry at M because he is angry at himself for being that guy at another time. And he wants to punish M for that in some way.

Red suggested that Elliot showed up in my life because I am angry at M and I need to forgive him, so the Universe sent me someone similar. (In truth he's not THAT similar- just the name and a sports interest). I know I have anger but I haven't felt it at M... maybe I am fooling myself, but I am willing to look at it and decided that I will go back to doing my anger release every day just to make sure.

That's it for now...

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