Dear Diary,
I feel so awful that I have let the whole month slip like this. I could have done much better, but I guess I got depressed and overwhelmed and just wanted to lie in bed all day.
Can you blame me?
However I do have some tools- some hope. Serena has made sure of that. The shitty part is I am so alone with it all. If I lived out here, I would have a lot more resources for help. But maybe, that is all part of my karma- that I have to work so hard. Who knows.
So I would like to get my income flowing again, for obvious reasons- just to live, and pay my rent- but also so I can go back to working with Kate, and maybe get some other forms of help. I still don't know about M, but maybe when I feel this bad, having M in my life isn't necessarily going to fix it.
There was a hope that he might call me yesterday- maybe realize that he had hurt my feelings so badly and might want to just acknowledge that... but I suppose that is all too much to hope for. Maybe he is, indeed, as unconscious about everything as other people believe.
I don't know what to believe. I suppose I don't have to believe in much of anything at this point. I just have to keep moving along, swimming forward, as Serena has told me. In the meantime I am feeling a little lonely in the midst of it all.
Love,
Duck
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