#2

Dear Diary,

Perhaps today is just about accepting that I am not perfect. I am not the woman I sometimes form in my head, but there is a perfection about me that exists just as I am.

I mean, I love plenty of people who aren't perfect. I don't know a perfect person- in body, mind or spirit... so how can I expect to be that?

Even M- I thought he was perfect for me, but he is far from it. I loved the way he looks, but he judged certain things about himself even in that arena. I know he is neurotic and afraid, and I loved him anyway. What can I say.

I get so angry, still, at Grace and Alphie. I hate having Grace in my class, and I hate that she will not look at me or speak to me. Even after I made my best effort last month to repair things with her boyfriend (now fiance). The whole business seems incredibly unfair. It makes me think, what do these people want from me?

But then I realize, I know what they want from me. They want me to be someone other than myself. They want me to stop being an inconvenience to them, with my own needs and emotions. And even after they know more about me, they still want me to be an exception to myself. Alphie wants to live in the world that he created, where he is the superhero man that is the center of attention and sleeps with any woman he wants, and uses other people's skills to aquire what he desires. Grace protects this in Alphie, and, well I don't really know what she gets out of it or what she wants. I can't pretend to know.

So why would I let this selfish, entitled, using and abusing couple upset me? I do not know. Why do I give so much power over to them? I don't want to.

I feel like I should trust more. Trust in divine timing. That there is a reason Alphie and Grace are not in my life anymore. Maybe they are just toxic to me. And even M... if he is not the one, he is not. People spend lifetimes trying to make it work with the wrong people... whole marriages of day-by-day being with someone and wishing everyday that they would change, love them more, talk to them differently, etc. I do not want to be one of those people. I know my next relationship will be very real...

The whole reason I sent M away was because I could see that before me... a lifetime of him having breakdowns and always wondering aloud what he should do and secretly wishing he had fucked more women or whatever, and me just digging myself deeper and deeper everyday, loving him more and worrying more and more everyday that I was going to lose him. What kind of life is that? Not the one that I want.

So I guess, even though this has been painful, that is where I am going. I am going to a place where I can be deeply appreciated, where I have someone to reach for in the middle of the night, where I come home and that person is happy to see me, shares his thoughts with me and trusts me and is trusted by me... someplace I feel very safe.

I guess that's what I'm going for.

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