saying it through music? [ 2008-10-22, 11:23 a.m. ]

Before I went to bed last night, I asked to have some dreams about M, and I ended up having two.

In the first one, I had a tube of toothpaste in each hand, and was squeezing and squishing them together... I think I ended up squirting a little in the trunk of his car. M and I were talking, and at first it was as if I were in the dentist chair and he were the dentist; but he was talking to someone else and calling me by a different name, like he was hiding something or playing some kind of game. Then he announced that he fell in love with (weird name). And I said, "Who?" and he told me he was in love with Kate (the woman I go see, who in real life he's never met). And my rather unemotional response was, "Well God help you with that." And he asked me to please clean the toothpaste out of the trunk.

And now I can't remember the second dream, but I'm kind of thinking that he didn't want me in that dream either.

So I know sometimes people say dreams of very bad things, like death, are opposites, but then also dreams like this are rejection and maybe it is because I am really being rejected. Maybe M has made up his mind and that's the way it is now. Or, my therapist always says that people in my dreams also represent myself, so this may signify the part of me that rejects myself.

Who knows?

I also had a dream that I was swimming in a lake or pool full of funky creatures, like giant centipedes and stuff. My friends were there too and we started making a giant whirlpool to collect all the funky stuff in the center and scoop it out. My ex-neighbor Andrea was there and I was teaching her how to gently swoop funky sea creatures to the middle.

Maybe that has to do with "clearing" myself out?

I'm meeting Elliot today. I don't exactly know what he wants from me, so I guess I'll find out. I've got a feeling that I really shouldn't give him much of anything, because he seems like kind of a user, as nice as he is now. I've already had experience with that, with Alphie.

Evelina has been staying here the last couple of nights because they are doing some work in her apartment. Needless to say I don't sleep very well with someone else in my bed, that just seems to be the facts... I wore a sleep mask and earplugs, but even just the presence and someone else's slight movements can wake me up or prevent me from going into deep sleep.

Now after these dreams, I don't know about my original plans for contacting M on the 28th. I was actually thinking about sending him a CD. I burned him several nice themed CDs when we were together- music is a way I communicate with him... and really, what would I say if I called him? It might be easier to put everything on a disk and say it through music.

What do you think?

[previous] [next]

Photobucket
S DUCKIE
archives ~ profile ~
~ email ~ gbook ~ notes ~
~ host ~ image ~ design ~