Dear Diary,

One of many dreams: that I was riding a white unicorn! So cool. Started out as a regular horse I think, but eventually had a horn on it. I'm not sure if it was a she/he? At any rate we were good friends. I would count to three and jump up on his back... and even riding bareback, faster than I've ever ridden a horse in real life. And we did ride over to this house where M was- he had a big mustache (different than real life) and two siblings I think. I cannot remember much about my interaction with him, only that there were many people there and I let the unicorn/horse into the house as well. He was perfectly fine until he almost pooped in the house and I made him go outside, but then I told him thank you and how good he was. Weird thing too- in the dream I smelled horse doo, other people were complaining about it but personally I love the smell since it reminds me of the country and I love horses anyway. So overall a very interesting dream.

If you try to find unicorn poop in the dream dictionary, you will not succeed...

There was another dream that had some sexual connotation to it, where a very nice dark-skinned man complimented my, uh, parts... something a sister can surely appreciate. Or, at least, a half-sistah.

Last night I called Michael- of Michael and Petra- it was his birthday this weekend, and I left him a message that I guess he never got. Michael works so much, and does whatever else, that he never has time to talk. He certainly never calls me, and even when I called last night, he said his cousin was there and could I call him back later. And then when I called, can you call me again in 20 minutes. Geez. And then when we do talk, it is the same complaint that Petra doesn't want to have sex enough for him- that she is often sick and too tired. We have had this conversation maybe 20 times in the past two years. He is always saying he doesn't get what he needs from Petra and that maybe he should break up with her. I wanted to cut him a break since he listened to me complain about Alphie so many times before... but I realize complaining about other people has a way of ruining a conversation and taking up a lot of precious time.

I said what I always say, which is that Petra has major anxiety problems and she stresses herself out beyond measure. She is not normal- her health is very frail and I believe it is due to nerves. She needs some kind of support to be able to feel better and once she feels better she will have the energy to do things like sex and activities and stuff.

I told Michael he and Petra should go to counseling, because they need a third party that will help them start doing whatever they need to do individually to get on track, and also it might help Petra realize the seriousness of the situation if it's important enough to go to counseling. Michael started bitching that he already did years of counseling with his ex-wife and blah blah blah. I told him Petra is a different person, and this is a different relationship, and if he doesn't want to work on a current relationship because he had to work on one in the past then he will surely be in trouble, because sometimes relationships require work... it's not like you have a hard one and then you're rewarded with a perfect one because you had some difficulty before, like the movies.

Otherwise, he will just be whining at me every time I talk to him, and nothing will change, and this will be the situation forever... (don't worry, I didn't say that... but maybe I should have?) I always think it's lame when people don't want to try and improve their own situation by saying, "But I've already DONE therapy," - or whatever- well first of all there are a million therapists out there, so maybe you had the wrong one. Or, it is quite possible that you are in a new place in your life and you need support so you can see other options. But sitting on your ass complaining about it doesn't really.... make anything.... HAPPEN!

By the way, I have therapy today. I still sit on my ass and complain in my diary, but I'm allowed because I'm actually trying. So hah.

Then after therapy Marva is having a party. It will be the usual group of people- me, Howard, Marva, Bethany, and one of Marva's friends that I've never met. I invited Red, but he has something else to do. I really just keep hanging out with the same people, but at least I'm getting out of the house!

And I feel a little sick from eating a bleu cheeseburger yesterday and I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to bleu cheese. I don't know if today is the day I go back to eating like a normal person, or if I continue on this bender until none of my pants fit.

Let's hope it's the former.

Today has the honor of being the anniversary of the last time I had sex. I have this weird thing about remembering dates, fortunately and unfortunately. This was the day that M had his breakdown, we had our seven-hour breakup thing, made love and went out to dinner. And tomorrow is the anniversary of the last time I saw him in person, crying and driving away from my house. Oh, joy.

No wonder I am eating everything.

I am being hard on myself because I want to be in a better place, to have the whole thing not affect me, to be OVER it already...

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