howard calls me a nasty name [ 2008-10-31, 12:31 a.m. ]

Dear Diary,

Well, what a day. Did laundry, finally- a big achievement for me this week. Afterward I went to Marva's, where I had a good cry. I stayed longer than I planned on... Marva fed me dinner. Nice.

When I got home I got a call from Howard. I think he was calling because he sent me an email yesterday that I hadn't responded to yet. I was just reading it when he called.... basically the email was accusing me of being unprofessional at a party. Never mind that it was not a work party or in a professional setting... I talked to him about it on the phone, and we sorted it out, but really I am still of the opinion that the major issue was Howard's... and his projections about what other people say and what they mean. But I could really see it was his own stuff, his own anger at women and whatever. Then Howard said, basically, in a nut shell, that he was getting kind of tired of hanging out with Marva and I because we were "depressed motherfuckers", and he wanted to be different.

That stung a little bit. Yes, I have been in a huge funk for many months. My heart is broken... I've been grieving a great deal, not just the situation with M but also probably many things from the past that I have suppressed. Of course Howard doesn't know this and maybe it wouldn't matter if he did. People have all different opinions about other people's feelings. Howard can do whatever he needs to do for his own mental health, but that's no reason to diss Marva and myself.

Really, though, I guess I need the space as well. I have had enough judgment from other people. And maybe Howard and I have seen too much of each other. I have probably been hanging out with those guys anywhere from 3 to 4 times a week.

And, now maybe I need to go release some of this anger about Howard!

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