Hi Diary,

Dreamt this morning that I was on a train, sitting next to Howard with Bethany across from me. She informed me that she was angry at me because I had told her I would call her back in 20 minutes, but then I went off with Marva and I guess did not call her back. Howard was making snide comments and I elbowed him in the eye, then I told myself I had to stop doing stuff like that.

Kind of feeling like I was trying to hide my dark side in this dream. And it's also interesting because these are the three people I've been hanging out with the most, and Bethany recently called me and said she was going to be backing out a bit. One, she said Howard had some boundary problems. I realize that the last few times she has seemed sullen or upset when we are all hanging out. And one time Howard announced something to the whole group that apparently Bethany did not want other people to know. So I imagine that is one of the things she was talking about. The other thing she said was getting on her nerves was Howard and Marva's constant flirting and touching each other. They are way over the top- not serious and bordering on innappropriate in public. Bethany assured me she still wants to do yoga with me, but will probably refrain from some group activities for a while.

Have been a little MIA, I know... it was a very busy weekend. I had a great deal of difficulty going to sleep on Friday night... even though I was dead tired from the night before, having only gotten 4 hours of sleep... well, it happened again. I guess it's just too much pressure to get up early. I did everything I could think of... and finally just got up and took my shower at 3am, so when I did eventually fall asleep, I could sleep in a little later.

I did work on Saturday morning, and then went to the dance workshop. I had a momentary scare when I tweaked my ankle... it's very dicey for me to dance whenever I haven't had a good night's sleep. I feel it increases the chance of injury.

After that, I met up with Emily, who was in town for the weekend, and Steffy for tea. Emily is doing well, and I guess talking about possibilities for her and Mr. G. Ugh! I really think it is a mistake. I know I have never met the guy, but already I don't like the sound of him. I don't think he is a good match for Emily, and I worry about her being hurt or trapped in the end. I know she didn't date anyone for years and years after things ended with her last boyfriend- and she kept having small affairs with married men... and this guy is older and just sounds careless with her affections... so I don't know.

After tea with the girls I met up with Elliot for dinner. He was very well dressed and took me to the French place. Then we searched for a while for a lounge to go to, and he had a drink while we shared an overstuffed chair, because it was crowded (Duh, Duck, we cannot go to his house because he still lives with his EX-GIRLFRIEND. Yes, I am stupid). We were talking for awhile and finally he said, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?" and I said, go ahead. And he said, "What's it like to kiss you?" or something like that. It was so dorky that I just laughed in his face. I think he thought that he had made me all shy and girly, but in truth I was thinking what a ridiculous thing to ask a person and I really was laughing at HIM. He then proceeded to try to kiss me, but everytime he got close I would burst out laughing. Then finally we kissed a little bit. It was okay, and I'm not really sure WHY I did it. I know he is not really for me. I wasn't expecting to feel any fireworks because I already don't feel any overwhelming sense of attraction. It was alright, better than Paul, but there is something still off about it.

Then we called a cab to take me home. While standing outside waiting for the car, I did hug him. I realized that I just wanted to be held, I wanted someone in my life. But not him. And I guess it's not fair to intimate otherwise.

I was freaking out and judging myself, wondering what I had gotten myself into. Why had I gone out to dinner with him in the first place? I probably could have figured out what was coming. He'd been dropping enough hints about how attracted he was to me and etc. etc... and I came home and called Red and told him I thought I'd made a huge mistake, but he said I didn't and not to worry about it. That I was just checking things out, and it really didn't necessarily mean anything.

This is true. I do believe Elliot sleeps around. I know he and his last partner were polyamorous and he mentioned having lots of "playmates". So most likely, all of those encounters don't necessarily "mean" anything to him, so why should a simple kiss mean anything to me?

I was able to sleep a couple more hours than the previous night, so that was good. My Sunday was similar to my Saturday. I went to work, then the dance workshop, and then to Red's birthday party. It was another small gathering and lots of fun. We played some improvisation games and they were really a blast! I had so much fun.

I had invited a few people to Red's party, since he always invites lots of people but not so many show up-- it's a weird thing about his birthday parties and last year I felt so bad for him! I told Marva to come. I know Red thinks she's attractive, and even though she's all mixed up with Ben... I had a feeling she would dig Red too. Well I couldn't be more right. At the end of the night it was like they were glued together. I have been noticing that Marva has this total seduction thing going... much like Bethany pointed out with Howard... Marva is very flirtatious and overtly sexual but in reality I know she is terrified of being in intimate relationship. That is why I believe she is messing around with Ben now- he is never going to give her what she needs, so she is unconsciously choosing someone who can't/won't do that. Believe me, I only know this because I can see it in myself!

I got a ride home from Weird Albert, Red's friend. He told me that he realized he has a pattern of falling in love with women he can't have, and as soon as they want him he gets all freaked out and breaks up with them. He has finally noticed this as a pattern in himself. I suggested some counseling and he said, "Oh, Red went to counseling and it didn't help him," and I had to remind him that he and Red are different people, with different issues. Wow. It is amazing to me the excuses that people will use to get out of counseling!

And last night Elliot called while I was at the party. Just that afternoon Steffy had been telling the girls at the dance workshop about her blind date, and she was in a conundrum about if she should call the next day and say she had a nice time, or if he was interested, he should call her... there was banter back and forth with one girl vehemently insisting that he was supposed to call and ask her out again if he liked her... so here it was the next day and Elliot was calling me. I did call back late in the evening but he must have already gone to bed, so I just left a message and thanked him for dinner. Today I got a text message from him that said, "I am in a party store and they have fog machines- I am so getting one for our first midnight tryst! Call me." which kind of implies to me that Elliot thinks we will be trysting.

Which I think not- I don't think it's a good idea. And here I was thinking kisses meant nothing... but he is obviously into me and I don't know how is brain works... but I'm guessing he definitely feels an attraction and is thinking sex. My attraction is minimal and I think having sex with a softer, younger version of Alphie could be a big mistake. One of my friends made the joke of, "We're sending you the same package, with a different bow on it-!" just to test me.

So now, how do I tell a guy that I don't want to do that? I have thought about just saying I'm okay with kissing (but am I?) or being snuggle buddies. There is no WAY I can have casual sex. We've learned that lesson! And I never called him.

I guess I don't have to figure it out today... plenty of time for that. Today I cleared a lot of grief and sadness about M, about being disappointed, and realizing that I associate love with disappointment and sadness, because that is how it has always been for me. It felt very cathartic and I actually feel a lot of relief.

Now, to bed.

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