Dear Diary,

If anything, I am becoming very good at playing hard to get.

Before I left for therapy, I was sending some emails back and forth to Elliot. He was actually replying from his Blackberry, but I don't have that kind of technology. He asked me what I was doing, and I said I was leaving to go to an appointment soon and then to a dinner. I took a shower and got myself together pretty quick, and checked my email one last time before I left the house. He had written me again and said, "I want to get together tonight. What do you think?" I thought about what B, and a few other people had said, of me making myself too available. So I did not respond and just left the house. Also, I am not into being asked out over email. And even though I'm not really into Elliot anyway, I guess it's good practice.

Then I went to therapy. Not much happened, other than I was able to pay her in full. No thanks to the two people that owe me money who still haven't sent their checks. I'm beginning to think they are full of shit... yes I am. I did mention the situation with Elliot, why I think I shouldn't be with him (he still lives with his ex, is polyamorous, and is not sensitive enough for me), and why I am still slightly attracted to him (I am lonely, he is familiar and showers me with attention). Therapist seemed to understand what I was talking about and agreed that I am too vulnerable to be with this guy, but we never really resolved it in yesterday's session because we went back to other subjects.

And then on to Red's birthday dinner. Of course it was a momentous evening because we were all talking about the election. It was a fun dinner but pretty expensive.... I'll never understand how it all works out. I know I'm putting in money for the birthday boy's dinner too, but I also know that if there are seven of us and everyone is putting in an extra $15 for Red, it's pretty impossible that he ate over a $100 worth of food. I guess it's best not to think about it, and just to assume that if you are going out with a group on someone's birthday, and it's not yours, you will just end up overpaying.

Then a few people wanted to go to a bar and watch the election results. I haven't been to a bar in years and years. When I was younger I worked in bars and hung out in them... I was never a big drinker, but I was able to be in the atmosphere. However they are a real turn-off to me now. I hardly drink anymore- maybe just a glass of wine every few months or so, but even then that is incredibly rare. Alcohol makes me feel worse rather than better. And now being in bars... I dunno... I just feel different. It feels kind of icky. And last night I felt like I could feel all the fear vibes of everyone in there whenever McCain won another state. I finally just told Red I had to leave. He walked me to my bus and I went home. There are some bars near my house and I was walking by when the election ended, so that's how I found out about our new president! But we always knew it, didn't we?

I tried to access some of the videos etc. when I got home but I think maybe everything was overloaded and I didn't have much success. But, I can watch them today.

When I got home I responded to Elliot's text/email via my own email- told him I didn't get that message and he should have called. I guess I am training him that I am not hanging on every text and email and the best way to reach me is to call directly. He did call me at 11:30pm, and he hadn't even read my email. I guess he missed me. We talked for a bit, he asked me my schedule for the rest of the week but I am busy and have a class this weekend, so I won't see him till next week.

At which point, I know, we should have some kind of conversation about how I really feel, and where this is not going. I'm not really sure what I will say. It's kind of the same situation with Paul- I'm not attracted enough to him. But that seems like a rude thing to say. I tried my best to tell Paul, but I guess he still didn't get it. He was still trying to make something happen.

With Elliot, I'm really not sure what to say. I am mildly attracted to him but not enough. There is really not the necessary spark for me. I don't want to insult him as far as his attractiveness. And really it is about me anyhow, so that's where I have to come from. I've been thinking of saying that I'm just working through some stuff and that I don't want to go any further. He seems to have taken it for granted that this is going forward and we will continue to "play" with each other. I just feel. That something is. Missing.

I am working tonight and Gail will be in town every so briefly, so I'm meeting her at 5pm.

I had some dreams, but I don't remember what they were. I know I had a dream yesterday that I was taking a pregnancy test, but then I suddenly realized I had had my period the whole time and I couldn't actually be pregnant.

Weird. That is all.

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